


All I Was Meant To Be

by InherentlyGray



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Loneliness, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-01-20 00:54:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1490722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InherentlyGray/pseuds/InherentlyGray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Several months have passed since the defeat of Zelena and everyone has settled into quiet, happy lives in Storybrooke.  Emma is left feeling alone and wondering if she was ever meant to have a happy ending.</p><p>Trigger Warnings: Themes of Suicide</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, please be warned that this story contains some themes that may be triggering to some readers. There are mentions of suicide and if this is a trigger for you, please do not continue reading.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own OUAT or any of the characters.

As Emma took a generous sip from her tumbler of whiskey, she was plagued with one persistent thought.

_How did I end up here?_

 

The last two years had been a whirlwind – between breaking the curse the first time, saving Henry from Pan, the blissfully ignorant year she spent in New York and then the grueling battle with Zelena – she really hadn’t had the time to consider what she truly wanted out of her life. Fate dragged her along as it pleased and all she could do was fight to survive.  

 

Several months had passed since they took down Zelena, and everyone for the most part had settled into a quiet and happy life in Storybrooke.   Mary Margaret and David had their baby boy, giving them the life and the child they’ve always wanted. After regaining his memories, Henry decided to go back to live with Regina. He wanted nothing more than to finally be home, in _his_ home, making up for all of the time lost with his mother. Regina had settled in with Robin and Roland and the four of them appeared to be a picture perfect family.

 

Despite the fact that Emma was still processing the traumatic loss of her first love, Hook had been as persistent as ever in his advances. Having grown tired of his pathetic attempts at wooing her she finally told him to shove his hook somewhere unpleasant and that the kiss they shared in Neverland was a mistake. Having nothing left to remain in Storybrooke for, he set back out for the sea, as the Jolly Roger had always been his true home.

 

Emma got herself her own apartment after everything settled down, not wanting to intrude on her parent’s new life with their child. She saw Henry a couple of times a week for lunch or dinner, but all Henry could really talk about were all of the cool things he was learning from spending time with Robin. Emma could have taught him how to hold a proper stake out, or how to track down and even take down a mark, but shooting bows and arrows in the backwoods of Storybrooke was apparently more up his alley. She supposed that a teenage boy needed a male role model, and Robin wasn’t really a bad guy, but she felt as though she had lost her place in his life.

 

Regina had been reinstated as Mayor and Emma as Sheriff, so there was some familiarity to her every day life. The crime level in Storybrooke, as it always had been, was abysmally low, but for a while, Emma found some small comfort in the routine. Regina had taken a much softer approach to being Mayor this time around. She shot Emma the occasional sarcastic remark about her paperwork, but for the most part, their relationship had become pleasantly amicable. After all they had been through together, they had come to somewhat of an unspoken truce and had over the past few months coexisted cordially and peacefully.

 

It wasn’t often that she saw Regina these days, and to her surprise she found herself missing the brunette. In Neverland and during their fight with Zelena, they ended up spending most of their time together and she had oddly grown to enjoy Regina’s company. It became more than just their bond over Henry – their relationship had evolved into something that Emma thought resembled a true friendship. They understood and supported each other in ways that no one else could, which was ultimately the real reason why they were strong enough to defeat Zelena in the end. But with the threat gone, and Regina’s “true love” in the picture, there was really no place left for her anymore and the two of them just drifted apart.

 

Emma had withdrawn from everyone really, and they were all too busy with their own lives to even notice that she was slowly fading away. If they did notice, they didn’t care enough to reach out.

 

 _No one needs the savior, anymore._ Emma thought, as she chuckled into her glass of whiskey, gulping down the remaining liquid, reveling in how it stung slightly as it slid down her throat.

 

As fucked up as it was, it all sort of made some sick and twisted sense. For someone whose sole purpose of being born was to be the savior, what was she now that there was nothing left to save? She had served her purpose and there was truly nothing left for her to do and no one left that needed her.

 

With a determined glint in her eye she slammed the glass down on the table, moved swiftly across the room and slung her red leather jacket over her shoulders. It was the same jacket she wore when she broke the curse, and it almost felt like her ‘savior armor’ if she ever had any. She figured she might as well go out looking the part, if being the savior was the only thing she would ever be remembered for.

 

With one last long exhale, she snatched her keys off of the side table and exited the apartment, not even bothering to lock the door behind her.

 

It was pouring rain that night, and normally she’d have avoided going out in such a storm, but something about it made Emma feel alive. After stepping out onto the sidewalk, she paused and closed her eyes, tilting her head up towards the sky. She took in a full breath through her nose and was invigorated by the cool air and the smell of rain. Her body relaxed with every lukewarm slick drop that ran down her face.

 

Emma was nearly soaked through when she broke from her daze and hopped into the bug. She turned the key in the ignition, with the engine sputtering to life after a few moments. Smiling warmly at all of the happy memories tied to the bug, it seemed only fitting that this moment be shared with her longest and most faithful friend.

 

Pulling away from the curb she decided to take the long route through the more deserted part of town. There was something therapeutic about the smooth twists and turns of the roads, and she wanted and needed to be at peace tonight.

 

After mindlessly driving for a while, she slowed down the bug, and the brakes squeaked to a stop. Being that it was the middle of the night on the outskirts of town, nothing could be heard for miles but the steady patter of rain. Emma pulled her wallet from her back pocket and opened it, revealing a worn photograph of Regina and Henry. She pried it out and ran her thumb across the surface, tracing the contours of their happy faces. Hot tears ran down her cheeks and splattered on the photograph. Sobbing softly, she wiped off the photograph with her hand and tucked it into the visor, securing it well within her line of sight.

 

Emma wiped her eyes on the back of her sleeve and touched two fingers to her lips and then pressed them against the two faces on the photograph.

 

She wondered how things could have been if she had only been _enough_.

 

Revving up the bug and gripping the steering wheel tightly, she pressed the gas pedal down to the floor, never taking her eyes off of the two faces in the photograph. As the road took a sharp turn to the left, she tightened her grip on the steering wheel, staying the course. She felt one rough bump as the bug careened off the road into the trees and then everything went black.

 

\----

 

The cell phone buzzed loudly against the surface of the nightstand before Regina realized it had been ringing. She rolled over and glanced at the clock, revealing that it was still the middle of the night.

 

Her heart immediately sank realizing that something bad must have happened for anyone to be calling her at this hour. She snatched the phone off of the table and answered on the fourth ring.

 

 _“Regina –“_ she heard, in the familiar sound of Snow’s voice.

 

“Snow. What’s wrong? Is everything alright with the baby?”

 

 _“Leo’s fine.”_ a shaky voice returned.

 

“What is it?” Regina asked more urgently, the elevation of her voice causing Robin to stir beside her.

 

_“It’s Emma.”_

 

Regina’s heart suddenly felt as though as it were caught in her throat, so much so that she could barely utter her next words, terrified of what the answer may be.

 

“What happened?”

  
  
 _“I don’t know, she was in an accident…they found her…and they don’t know if she’s going to make it.”_ Snow said, barely understandable as she choked through sobs with every word.

 

As Regina processed the magnitude of Snow’s words, she was too stricken to respond. Her breathing was shallow and quickened as she desperately gasped for breath. The hand that was clutching her phone dropped limply from her ear as she began to sob.

 

It was then, in that moment when she felt Robin’s hand on her shoulder that she realized she had made a grave mistake - one that she may never have the chance to rectify.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This sort of came out in a stream of consciousness, and I'm toying with whether or not to continue this. I'd like to see what you guys think. It would be more of a slow burn Swan Queen story.
> 
> Thanks for reading and I appreciate any feedback/kudos!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the all of the kudos and comments!
> 
> As many of you requested, I decided to continue this. The second chapter mirrors the first in that it is written in the same type of stream of consciousness, only this time, from Regina's perspective. After this chapter, the style will likely shift to more dialogue based as the story unfolds.
> 
> Feedback as always is appreciated. Thank you for reading!

After Regina had regained control of her emotions, she magically transported Henry and herself to the hospital without uttering more than a few hurried words to Robin.

 

When she arrived in the Emergency Room the doctors were still working tirelessly to save Emma. Information regarding the blonde’s condition came scattered over several painstaking hours.

 

_“She suffered a severe blow to the head but there’s no cerebral hemorrhage that we can detect at this time.”_

_“Emma sustained a pneumothorax from a crush injury to her chest so we had to insert a chest tube.”_

_“She’s stable for now, but we still have to take her to the OR to repair the open leg fracture.”_

Between the disjointed information from the doctors and from the Charmings, Regina tried desperately to understand why Emma was out in the middle of the night during a storm when it wasn’t even her turn at the night shift.

 

Physical evidence at the scene was limited given the conditions that night. The road was absent of any obvious debris and there were no skid marks on the pavement. Without any indication of an accident or any attempt by Emma to regain control of the bug, there could only be one logical conclusion to draw.

 

_Emma intentionally drove into that tree._

 

Regina spent most of that night silently waiting for any news on Emma’s condition while tending to Henry. He had all too recently mourned the loss of his father, so the possibility of also losing his birth mother was almost too much for the teen to bear.

 

Robin had tried a couple of times over the course of the night to console Regina, but she continually pulled away from his touch and snapped at him whenever he tried to offer any words of comfort. She felt a fleeting twinge of guilt for how she was treating him, as he had been nothing but good to her and Henry over these past few months, but right now he was the last person she wanted to see. Ironically, the only person Regina wanted to be comforted by was the only person who currently could not offer such comfort.

                 

_Why did you do this, you idiot?_

 

While awaiting any news on Emma’s final surgery, Regina could do nothing but rehash the last few months in her mind, trying to make any small bit of sense out of what happened that night. What could possibly drive Emma to do such a terrible thing to herself?

 

Things had been better since they dispensed of Zelena, hadn’t they? Everyone finally had the mundane contented lives they had always dreamed of. It was what they fought so hard and so long for – it was what she and Emma fought for _together_.

 

When Regina thought back, she supposed that they had grown apart somewhat over the last few months. Without the need to practice magic or plot to break any curses, the occasion to spend time together dwindled.

 

After discovering that Robin Hood was her soul mate, Regina felt that she might finally have her chance at her happy ending. Through all the heartache, loss and anger, there was at last some glimmer of hope – one that she clung to with everything that she had and poured every bit of her heart into to see it through. Perhaps she had lost sight of Emma in the process.

 

On the surface, Robin Hood was a perfect match for her in every possible way. Aside from being handsome, he was brave, honest, a wonderful father, and wasn’t afraid to go toe to toe with the former Evil Queen. It wasn’t that Regina was unhappy with Robin, but in the back of her mind she couldn’t shake the persistent feeling that something was missing. The spark and the fire that returned to her life when Emma forced herself into Storybrooke had dissipated with time. After a while Regina figured it was just a natural byproduct of finally settling down and that perhaps true love wasn’t a thing of fairytales after all. Not everyone could be insufferably in love like the Charmings were, could they?

 

As time went on, Emma stopped coming by the mansion for family dinner. There was something off about the way she acted around Robin but Regina had just chalked it up to a nothing more than a simple personality clash. Emma was never outwardly combative with Robin, and it didn’t seem to interfere with her relationship with Henry, so Regina didn’t feel the need to address it with the blonde directly.

 

Some days Regina would stop by the station to drop off stacks of paperwork for the sheriff. She’d make a few snarky remarks about how long it was taking her to get it done, or how many bear claws she had eaten that day. Every time she marched into that station she felt an exhilarating rush of adrenaline that had become almost completely absent from her life. Although she was glad that the feud between her and the blonde had long since passed, she missed how her altercations with Emma made her feel. Even though Regina seemed to have the life she had always wanted, there was something about her interactions with the blonde – however trivial or fleeting – that made her feel truly alive in a way that nothing and no one else could.

 

Whenever Regina encountered Emma, she seemed genuinely happy. Through all the feigned insults and remarks, the blonde just smiled and greeted her warmly with a playful quip or two of her own. Each time Emma arrived at the mansion to pick up Henry, she always appeared wholeheartedly eager to spend time with him. Emma and Regina hadn’t shared any conversation recently that didn’t involve work or Henry, but the blonde seemed to be just as well adjusted as everyone else in town. If she wasn’t, why did she feel the need to hide it? Why didn’t she reach out? After all of the times that Emma stood by her, believed in her, and even risked her life to save her, why would the blonde think that she wouldn’t have reciprocated?

 

Regina was jerked from her thoughts by the sound of the double doors from the trauma area being thrust open by Doctor Whale. He looked obviously exhausted but his expression was neutral as he pulled Snow, David and Regina aside to provide them with an update on Emma’s condition.

 

“The open reduction and internal fixation of the tibia took a bit longer than expected as there was a significant amount of damage to the bone and the surrounding tissue, but overall, the surgery was a success. Her condition is stable for now, and we’ve moved her down to the ICU.”

 

Snow breathed a sigh of relief and squeezed Charming’s arm.

 

“So that means she’s going to be okay?” Snow asked in a hopeful voice, interpreting this as good news.

 

However, Whale’s expression remained stoic.

 

“It’s certainly promising news for the time being, but the next 24 hours will be critical. We won’t really know if there will be any lasting effects until she regains consciousness, and that could take several days considering the degree of trauma her entire body has sustained.”

 

Snow burst into tears and Charming pulled her into his arms.

 

“Can we see her?” Charming asked somberly.

 

Whale pressed his lips together and exhaled deeply, looking at the distraught faces in front of him.

 

“Normally I wouldn’t allow it with a patient this critical, but I’ll let you visit briefly, and only one at a time.”

 

\----

 

Regina had decided that she should go see Emma prior to determining whether or not she would allow Henry see her at all in this condition.

 

The nurse led her down a long dimly lit hallway to a large room sealed with automatic glass doors. She stood outside the doorway briefly, catching sight of the blonde for the first time. Her breath hitched as she fully appreciated the magnitude of Emma’s injuries.

 

Nearly every bit of Emma was covered with casts, bandages or tubes. From first glance the most obvious injuries were her fractured leg and arm, as well as the large laceration and hematoma to her forehead. Due to the traumatic nature of Emma’s injuries and the extensive amount of pain medication they had her on, the doctors intubated her to ensure that she would have no difficulty breathing.

 

Regina took a sharp intake of breath and stepped forward, causing the automatic doors to slide open. As it was the dead of night in what appeared to be the most remote corner of the hospital, all Regina could hear was the heavy pounding of her own heart inside her chest and the systematic sounds of the numerous machines hooked up to the blonde.

 

A chair was already positioned at Emma’s bedside, so Regina tentatively approached it and sat down, crossing her legs and awkwardly folding her hands in her lap. Regina hadn’t ever tended to anyone so gravely injured, so she was a bit unsure as to what the proper etiquette would be. After several minutes of staring at the blonde’s chest moving up and down to the sound of the respirator, she recalled seeing something on television about talking to coma patients. Taking a deep breath, she reluctantly decided to give it a try.

 

“Of all the idiotic things you’ve done, Miss Swan, I think you’ve finally outdone yourself.”

 

Regina felt foolish sitting there and watching Emma, hoping that her words would have somehow miraculously stirred the blonde from her coma. After several long moments of observing Emma, it was obvious that her efforts had failed. Her heart sank as the gravity of the situation overcame her.

 

“After everything that you’ve been through…that we’ve been through…I simply cannot comprehend why you would do such a thing to yourself.”

 

Regina sighed softly and smoothed out imaginary wrinkles in her slacks, noticing that her hands were becoming quite clammy.

 

Was she actually nervous to talk to Emma of all people?

 

She’d been to hell and back with this woman – she’d even camped with her and the Charmings for over a week in Neverland – what could she possibly be nervous about sharing with this unconscious woman?

 

Regina gnawed mindlessly at her lower lip and flexed her hands anxiously in her lap while she contemplated what else she wanted to say to Emma. When she caught herself, she thought of what mother would say if she saw her like this.

 

_Freedom is power and power is never showing weakness._

 

As much as she tried tirelessly to let go of the values mother had ingrained in her from birth, in times of stress she still clung deeply to them. Shaking her head, she cleared those old thoughts and habits from her mind, and turned her attention back to the blonde.

 

The arm that all of the IV’s and tubes were attached to had been the only uncovered part of Emma, laying lifelessly atop the blankets. Snow and Charming had been in to see Emma prior to her visit, and she had assumed they had held her hand while they sat with her. That was the customary thing to do, was it not?

 

She and Emma had never been very physically affectionate towards each other – neither of them were huggers, except with Henry of course. They had touched briefly from time to time, almost always out of necessity for combining their magic. It felt odd to consider holding Emma’s hand, especially without explicit permission from the blonde, but Regina felt compelled to offer some form of comfort to her, whether or not it actually provided any physical benefit.

 

Lifting a hesitant hand, she reached over and gently laid her hand atop Emma’s, being careful not to compromise any of the many tubes connected to her arm. As she curled her fingers around the blonde’s hand, she noticed how remarkably warm it was. Despite Emma’s palms being covered in numerous calluses, her hand felt soft in Regina’s grasp. She couldn’t help but notice how much different the blonde’s hand was from Robin’s and how well it fit together with her own.

 

Frowning at the thought, Regina wondered what it was about Emma that made her question her own happiness. They were great co-parents to Henry and they were a formidable magical team, but that was all they ever were to each other…wasn’t it? Why would the thought of losing Emma hurt so much if they were barely even friends?

 

“It appears that you have ruined me for anyone else, Emma. My happiness – Henry’s happiness - it is all directly tied to you, whether I wish it to be or not.” Regina said in a low tone to the slumbering blonde.

 

Noticing a few stray strands of blonde locks hanging in Emma’s face, Regina reached over with her free hand and gently brushed them aside, grazing the surface of soft skin with her fingertips.

 

“Don’t you dare give up on me.” Regina choked out in barely a whisper, letting one hot tear streak down her cheek as she involuntarily squeezed the blonde’s hand in her own.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the continued support/comments/kudos!
> 
> As always, your feedback is appreciated.

A whoosh of the glass doors to Emma’s room in the ICU was accompanied by the gentle voice of the ward nurse.

 

“Your time is up, Mayor Mills.”

 

Regina wasn’t inclined to move a muscle, nor did she utter any acknowledgement to the nurse’s presence. Her eyes were still trained on the battered form slumbering in front of her, uninterested in the company of the nurse lingering behind her.

 

The nurse didn’t dare cross any further into the room given the highly charged nature of the situation. Regina Mills was intimidating, but much more so when she was emotionally compromised. After a minute of uncomfortable silence dragged on, the nurse awkwardly cleared her throat in another attempt to rouse Regina from her trance.

 

“Mayor Mills –“ the nurse prompted again timidly.

 

Regina turned her head to the side, breaking her gaze only momentarily from Emma. As she turned the nurse could see the streaks that tears had recently traced down the brunette’s face.

 

“Yes – I understand. Please leave us so that I may have a moment of privacy with Miss Swan before I go.”

 

The nurse was surprised at how hoarse and unsteady the Mayor’s voice was when she spoke. She supposed that an extra minute or two wouldn’t get her in any trouble with Doctor Whale.

 

“Alright. I’ll be down the hall. You have two minutes.”

 

The nurse backed out of the room quickly, not waiting for a response. The glass doors whooshed closed again and Regina looked back at Emma.

 

Regina cleared her throat, took a deep breath and wiped at her cheeks to conceal any evidence that she had been crying.

 

“I suppose I need to go explain all of this to our son. You and I both know that he will be crushed, because to him, you’ve always been the savior - his big hero.”

 

A surge of anger coursed through her when she thought of Henry. Her hand twitched atop Emma’s.

 

“When you’re out of this bed I will have half a mind to put you right back in it for hurting our son like this.”

 

Regina pressed her lips together and squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on her breathing. The steady blips and beeps of the machines around her reminded her of what she and the blonde were doing there in the first place.

 

Opening her eyes and focusing again on Emma, she suddenly felt foolish for scolding a comatose woman who had clearly be laden with so much guilt or hate towards herself that she sought to take her own life.

 

Regina sighed as she regarded Emma’s weakened form and her shoulders relaxed a bit as she began to softly stroke the back of Emma’s hand with her thumb.

 

“What would devastate him the most is if you never came back.”

 

Memories of their first encounters ran through her mind. Emma was so completely and utterly infuriating as knew just how to get under her skin. The woman was maddening but also exhilarating at the same time. Simply reliving those moments in her mind caused her whole body to tingle in a way that was all but absent from her life now.

 

“If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for him. Henry needs you.”

 

Regina let out a painful sigh that almost sounded like a whimper.

 

“We all need you.”

 

“ _I need you._ ” she muttered under her breath. A part of her was afraid to express her feelings an audible tone, despite the fact that she was sure the blonde couldn’t hear her.

 

Giving Emma’s hand one last gentle squeeze, Regina stood up from the chair and straightened out her blazer while picking a few bits of lint off of her pants. Fluffing her hair, she marched over to the glass doors with the confident click of her heels, but as the doors slid open, an intense pain shot through her and she faltered for a moment, grabbing the doorframe to steady herself. She clutched at her chest as her breathing evened out.

 

Regina turned over her shoulder to check back on Emma as she could _swear_ that she heard the steady beep of the heart monitor speed up momentarily when her pain began, but everything appeared unchanged. She blinked, rubbed at her temple and shook her head, concluding that she must have simply been exhausted. The blonde was way too unstable at this point to have been roused from her coma, so she must have been imagining it, right?

 

With a shrug Regina made her way back down the hall, nodding in silent thanks to the nurse as she passed by the desk, stopping where Charming and Snow were sitting with little Leo in the waiting area.

 

Regina couldn’t help but notice that Henry was still accompanied by Robin and Roland on the other side of the waiting area, the latter of which was sound asleep in his father’s arms. Regina found herself somewhat irritated by Robin’s continued presence, but was grateful that someone was sitting with Henry and that he was not alone.

 

“How is she?” Snow inquired anxiously when Regina appeared.

 

A part of Regina wanted to mention the change she thought she saw in the monitor, but decided to keep it to herself for now. It would be unwise to provide anyone false hope based upon something she wasn’t confident that she hadn’t just simply imagined in a moment of exhaustion.

 

“Her condition remains the same, I’m afraid.” Regina responded flatly.

 

If at all possible, Snow’s demeanor darkened further as she took in Regina’s response. The woman had always seemed to be a beacon of hope, even in the most dire of circumstances. Regina had always found Snow’s unwavering belief that good would triumph over all to be rather appalling, but she almost mourned the loss when she observed the cracks forming in Snow’s faith over what happened to Emma. That foolish blonde really had no idea what power she had over everyone else’s happiness.

 

“Henry’s been asking about Emma and…we didn’t know what to tell him. We figured that you should be the one to decide what he should know…” Snow explained timidly, gesturing towards Henry with a slight incline of her head, trying not to disturb the baby that was sound asleep in her arms.

 

Regina’s hand balled into a fist at her side. “What do you suggest I do Snow, lie to my son?” she asked with clear bite to her tone.

 

The last thing Regina wanted to do was withhold the truth from her son when their relationship was finally on the mend. Everything that went wrong with Henry in the past was because she kept the truth from him. She had since vowed to never make that mistake again, even if the truth was something that would cause him pain. The reality of what Emma did to herself wouldn’t be something that she could conceal from Henry forever even if she wanted to, so the best approach would be transparency with him from the beginning, and that had to start now.

 

“No of course not – “ Snow stuttered reflexively.

 

“– I’ve worked too hard to rebuild my relationship with Henry to toss it all away. He deserves honesty and he deserves to know what really happened to Emma.”

 

Charming had begun to fidget in his seat, growing paler and increasingly sicklier looking by the minute, as if he was about to regurgitate his previous meal.

 

“Don’t you think there’s too much that we don’t know to be telling him anything right now?” He questioned her in a hushed tone, obviously trying not to wake Leo.

 

Regina leaned in closer to Charming, stopping only inches from his face. Her eyes iced over with carefully controlled anger.

 

“I think we’ve already established that the crash was no accident – unless you two know something that you aren’t telling me.” she said, darting accusatory glares between the two.

 

“You know everything we know, Regina.” Charming reassured her, shrinking back in his seat a bit, growing increasingly uncomfortable with the glare he was receiving from the brunette.

 

“Then I have no other choice but to go break the news to my son. If you’ll excuse me.” Regina responded curtly as she straightened back up and clacked her way towards where Henry was seated.

 

Robin’s gaze darted up when he heard Regina approaching. He stood up eagerly but carefully trying not to stir a sleeping Roland that was currently slumped over his shoulder. Taking a few steps forward, he purposefully intercepted her path to Henry.

 

“Regina – how are you holding up?” he asked with obvious worry.

 

Regina knew that she should feel comforted by Robin’s presence and feel something akin to appreciation for his concern for her well-being, but she was far too overwhelmed with having to speak with Henry to deal with him right now. The last thing Regina needed or responded to was being coddled. At that moment Regina realized that perhaps Robin didn’t know her very well at all…

 

“How I am feeling is irrelevant at this moment. Right now, I need to speak with my son about what happened to his mother.” she replied tersely, immediately regretting the harshness of her tone.

 

Regina took a deep breath and continued in a much milder manner while offering a weak smile.

 

“It’s late, why don’t you take Roland home? I’ll return with Henry when we’re finished here.”

 

Despite Regina’s attempt at softening her response, Robin understood well enough that Regina wanted some space. Understanding, however, did not lessen the blow to his ego, which was etched deeply across his face.

 

“If that is what you wish.” he conceded as he leaned in and planted a chaste kiss on Regina’s cheek.

 

Normally she didn’t mind much, but tonight, the prick of Robin’s scruff felt unpleasantly abrasive against her skin. When he pulled away she blinked and offered a forced smile. He nodded at her and returned a smile of equal formality and she tried to ignore the hurt in his eyes as she watched him depart.

 

She’d offer Robin a proper apology tomorrow, but right now her attention and care had to be focused on her son.

 

Regina turned back towards Henry who had remained sitting almost catatonically in his chair, staring off at some distant part of the tiled floor of the waiting room. Given his current state, she was almost sure he hadn’t heard or retained any of the chatter that occurred in or around his presence over the course of the night.

 

Taking a few steps forward, she approached Henry with caution and reserve, settling into the chair beside him. When he didn’t respond to her presence, she prompted him gently by laying a hand over his arm.

 

“Henry, dear – we need to speak about your mother.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so thankful for all the lovely comments and all of the kudos! Please continue to let me know what you think about the story, as it is evolving for me as it goes.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

 

Henry doesn’t immediately respond to his mother’s prompting, but after a few ‘ _Henry_ ’s and shakes of his arm he blinked several times and met his mother’s concerned gaze.

 

“Are you alright, dear?”

 

“Mom?” Henry muttered apprehensively in a dry voice, having not uttered a word for hours now.

 

Henry’s uncertainty and delayed recognition was worrisome. Regina feared that this might be what finally breaks her son. “Yes, I’m here.” she replied in the most reassuring voice she could muster.

 

Henry’s pupils contracted and his senses seemed to return to him. “Ma – how is she?”

 

A hard swallow passed through Regina’s throat before she answered. Given her son’s precarious emotional state she knew that she would have to choose her words carefully.

 

“They’ve stabilized Emma, but she hasn’t regained consciousness. We won’t know everything until she wakes.”

 

Regina watched as her son absorbed her words. A sharp intake of breath was followed by a slight quiver of his lower lip. Momentarily distracted at how much he looked like Emma she forced herself back to the matter at hand, waiting for Henry’s response.

 

His eyes glossed over, “I – I don’t understand, mom. What happened? Everyone keeps giving me weird looks and no one’s said anything to me since we got here.”

 

This would be the difficult part. How do you tell your son that his mother tried to kill herself? There was no easy way to tell him and she could see that he was already teetering on the edge of a breakdown as it was. Unfortunately, her son was destined to endure unbearable pain in his youth, just as she and Emma did.

 

As she took a breath in to respond, she hesitated for a moment, biting down on her lower lip. It was her fault that Henry had suffered through so many hardships at such a young age. This – Emma’s pain and Henry’s pain - it was all her doing. Deflating at the weight of her revelation, she shrank a bit from her normal regal posture.

 

“It appears that the car crash that Emma was involved in may not have been a simple _accident_.”

 

Henry’s body lurched forward, his hand balling around the fabric on the arm of his mother’s blazer.

 

“Someone tried to hurt her?! Who?!” he questioned frantically, practically shouting, yanking at her.

 

The boy Regina knew was barely recognizable as she looked into his eyes. There was no softness or warmth – what his eyes reflected was sharp and rabid.

 

Regina knew that what she had to tell him would hurt more than what he suspected. She supposed that although Emma being gravely injured was painful, it was easy to expect that someone may want to hurt the savior. The savior hurting herself though? No one could prepare him for that.

 

“No one tried to hurt her, Henry. The police examined the scene and they found no evidence of vehicular malfunction or an incident before her collision with the tree.”

 

She watched as Henry tried to control his shallow breathing and squeezed his hand tighter around the fabric of her blazer. A spark of understanding crossed his eyes and he seemed to fold within himself.

 

Henry shook his head violently, blinking back the tears that were forming in his eyes. “No – it isn’t true! Ma wouldn’t do that!”

 

He let go of his mother and stumbled backward out of his seat, looking as though he was about to flee.

 

Regina could feel her heart shattering into a million splintering shards as she was forced to witness her son endure an unbearable pain that she was powerless to soothe. She got up and took a tentative step towards him, reaching out her arm.

 

“I’m having a hard time believing it too Henry, but Emma – she drove her car into that tree.”

 

Saying it really didn’t make it any less surreal, or any less agonizing.

 

Henry tore his hands through his messy brown locks, fingers digging into his scalp with his face contorting in a combination of hurt and anger.

 

Through heaving gasping breaths he looked up and snapped back at his adoptive mother.

 

“No! I don’t believe you! You’re lying to me!”

 

Seeing how fragile Henry was, Regina pulled her hand back and balled it until an uncomfortable balmy fist at her side.

 

“I would never lie to you, Henry. After everything we’ve been through together I would never do anything to betray your trust. I love you.”

 

Henry shrank back slightly at those three words. Regina could tell that deep down he knew that she loved him and would never deceive him again.

 

This was her opening...her chance to get through to him. “I know you have your doubts, but once Emma wakes we’ll know for sure.”

 

Henry peeled his hands away from his face and she could see the twinge of grief in his eyes as his voice cracked. “What if she never wakes up, mom?”

 

“She will. I know it.” Regina could feel it, deep down in the depths of what was left of her soul. As much as Emma had wanted to end her own life in a moment of despondency, the blonde was a fighter and Regina knew she would pull through.

 

Henry took a confident step forward, looking his adoptive mother steadily in the eye.

 

“I want to see her.”

 

After everything Henry had been through tonight, she knew that seeing Emma as she was would be a trial all in it’s own, one that he would not be able to handle right now.

 

“I know you do, but it’s late. Emma needs to rest and we both need to get some sleep. I promise you we’ll come back tomorrow.”

 

She could see Henry searching her eyes, deciding if he was going to trust her. After a painstaking silence he exhaled deeply, the tension from his entire body finally releasing.

 

“I can’t just accept the fact that everyone thinks Ma did this to herself. Promise me you’ll help me find the truth and we can go home.”

 

_Insufferably persistent. Just like his mother._

 

It’s what irritated her about the Charmings, but it’s what made her love them all the same. With each passing day she saw more of Emma in their son. Emma needed to pull through, because if Regina had to look at her son’s face every day for the rest of her life, she couldn’t bear seeing seeing small glimpses of the blonde – having to feel the pain and the void of her loss.

 

“I promise that I will look into it and we _will_ find the truth.”

 

Henry took a few hesitant steps towards his mother, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. Regina wrapped one arm around him while running her fingers through his hair with her free hand and placing a tender kiss on the top of his head. The moments where she was able to offer comfort and reassurance to her son were rare, and a part of her enjoyed it.

 

“Okay. She’s going to make it though, right?”

 

Regina could sense the vulnerability in Henry’s voice, but she didn’t want to feed her son thinly veiled platitudes. He was perceptive, just like his birth mother, and little could escape him.

 

“I hope so, dear.” she muttered, extricating herself slightly from his grasp. Regina caressed her son’s cheek while exhaling deeply.

 

“Come on, let’s go home.”

 

Henry nodded in silent agreement as the pair walked towards the outside doors to the emergency room.

 

Observing the continuous downpour of rain, Regina wanted to present her son with a choice. “I can magic us home or we can walk, whichever you prefer.”

 

Henry stared blankly out into the darkness, observing his own reflection in the glass doors.

 

“I’d prefer to walk if that’s alright with you?”

 

Regina understood her son’s need to overload his senses with something other than pain and anguish. The numbness of the rain would be preferable over the heartbreak of what Emma did to herself.

 

“Of course.” she agreed, linking arms with her son and walking out into the darkness.

 

\----

 

It was nearly sunrise when Regina and Henry finally crossed the threshold of the mansion. The two of them were soaked through to the bone, but neither seemed phased by it. Their walk home had been silent as the reality of the night’s events sank in.

 

After they quietly entered the mansion, Henry trudged up to his room and went to bed without another word.

 

Regina took a deep breath and she turned the deadbolt behind her. Slipping off her heels she padded her way up to her bedroom, making every effort not to wake Robin from his slumber.

 

Regina changed out of her wet clothes and as she crawled into bed, Robin stirred slightly, wrapping am arm around the brunette. Flinching slightly at the contact, she felt a sudden pang of guilt.

 

_Robin is a good man. He is your soul mate._

 

Regina’s brain kept telling her that Robin was her chance at a happy ending. Fairy dust doesn’t lie, does it? Was she so damaged that she couldn’t recognize or accept her own happiness? Perhaps she was still the same villain she always was.

 

_Villains don’t get happy endings._

 

Regina’s eyes burned as a couple of stray tears escaped. Her thoughts were jumbled between fatigue and grief and she hoped that sleep would offer her some clarity. Perhaps everything that seemed so confusing now would just dissipate in a few hours. Everything she was feeling could just be chalked up to the emotional stress of the entire situation, right? Emma would be okay, and she’d explain everything and things would all go back to normal.

 

What she was feeling _had_ to be an emotional reaction to trauma. There was no other way to explain it.

 

It was only out of pure physical and emotional exhaustion that Regina found sleep that night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the support and encouraging comments on this fic! I apologize that this chapter is a bit short but I assure you that the next one will be more lengthy and certainly worth the wait.
> 
> I want to thank you all again for all the kudos and wonderful comments! I can't believe the fic is well over 2k hits with only 4 chapters :)
> 
> I will try to get this next chapter up within a week or a week and a half. This time of year is gorgeous in New England, so sometimes I get distracted by real life, but I promise I will continue to update until the fic is finished!
> 
> Enjoy! Thanks for reading :)

As easily as Regina had initially drifted off to sleep that night, she awoke abruptly to gut wrenching nightmares. Every time she drifted off to slip she saw Emma being torn apart by one violent circumstance or another. Each time she was wrenched from her nightmares by her own screams that thankfully did not manifest themselves in reality. Sleeping in only brief restless bursts, she finally abandoned the endeavor alltogether and got dressed, being careful not to wake anyone else in the process.

 

The previous night she had promised Henry that she’d take him to see Emma, but also that she’d find the truth about what happened. Deep down Regina already knew that they already held the truth, but for the sake of her son she needed to collect more evidence. Since everyone had gotten to bed so late, none of the boys would be up for another few hours, so Regina decided to begin her investigation at Emma’s apartment.

 

As Regina pulled her Mercedes up to the curb outside of the second story loft and shifted it into park, she realized that she had never actually been to Emma’s apartment. Emma was the birth mother of her son, and yet she had never set foot inside her apartment.

 

 _Why is that?_ Regina asked herself.

 

It never occurred to her but it seemed painfully obvious now that _this_ is where Emma hid herself from them all. It was the place she went sought refuge from the rest of the world - where she could finally peel off the mask she wore every day to please everyone else in her life.

 

 _I can’t believe I didn’t know…_ she realized sullenly.

Regina stepped out of her car only to be met with a bone chilling gust of wind. The rain storm the previous night had pulled in a cold front behind it, leaving the air frigid and the sky dismally gray. She pulled her peacoat tighter around herself and proceeded up towards the apartment.

 

Regina reached the landing at the top of the stairs, pinching the bridge of her nose between two fingers, shaking her head at how blind she had been to Emma’s pain.  She took a deep breath, blinked several times and reached a tentative hand out to the door of Emma’s apartment. It all looked weathered and worn, the paint peeling in several places.

 

 _Much like Emma’s heart,_ she surmised.

 

Regina took a hesitant step forward and reached for the old brass knob, grasping it with a leather gloved hand. Her breath hitched with surprise when the door pushed open effortlessly, as she had fully expected it to be locked. It became apparent to her in that moment that the blonde took no care to lock the door as she had no plans to ever return.

 

The first thing Regina noticed when she crossed the threshold was how stale the air had felt. The air literally hung heavier, but as she took a deep breath in through her nose, she could smell and almost even taste the sadness and the desperation that lingered despite Emma’s absence.

 

Her heels echoed on the warped wooden floor as she crossed over to the small table that housed a dried up tumbler and an empty uncapped bottle of Jack Daniels. Regina suspected that this may have been Emma’s last drink before she departed last night. She couldn’t stop herself from running her fingers over the rim of the glass with some foolish notion that she would be able to feel closer to the blonde, touching something that Emma had so recently pressed her lips against.

 

_Why are you thinking about her lips? What’s wrong with you?_

 

Regina shook her head to clear her mind and dragged her fingers away from the tumbler. She pulled her attention away from the glass and glanced around the apartment. The layout was open with a small kitchen, living area, and what appeared to be one or two bedrooms and a bathroom down the hall. Knowing Emma, she had had just enough space for her and Henry, even though he had never actually spent a night there.

Her initial impression of the place was that it was entirely devoid of any personal touches. It wouldn’t be obvious at to anyone at first glace that the apartment was even occupied by someone except for the few dirty dishes piled in the sink and the empy glass and bottle on the table. Out of pure curiosity Regina pulled open the door to the fridge and winced at the lack of well…. _anything_. The contents included a half empty cardboard box of god knows how old pizza, a bottle of ketchup and some old milk…judging by the color and consistency. It was arguably one of the most depressing things she had ever laid eyes upon.

_How could this have gone unnoticed for so long? How did **I** not see this?_

 

Regina let out a long sigh and directed her attention to the rest of the apartment. There was barely any furniture, just an old wooden table and a couple of chairs and a worn leather couch - save the numerous pictures of Herny and…was that _her_? Why were there pictures of _her_ in Emma’s apartment?

 

As Regina made her way around she came across numerous photos of Henry scattered throughout the apartment. The only thing Emma seemed to care enough to do was to frame photos of Regina and their son and place them throughout her home.

 

Her breath caught in her lungs and she clutched at her chest. Emma took little care to even properly furnish or decorate her home but made sure that no matter where she was, she could see the faces of Regina _and_ Henry.

 

At first Regina thought it may have been a matter of happenstance that she was in so many photos that were taken of their son - she was his mother after all. However, after looking over each photograph, it could not purely be a coincidence that they all included both, or in rare cases all three of them – Emma, Henry and Regina.

 

Why would Emma want so many pictures of her? The two of them had become somewhat amicable but by no means did she think she was significant enough to be encased in photographs in the blonde’s home. Perhaps through the blonde’s lonliness she felt drawn to Regina – through their son?

 

The most current photo of all three of them was the one taken at Granny’s when they all returned from Neverland. She and Emma had bonded in a way over the week that they spent on that godforsaken island trying to rescue their son. It was also the first time they agreed upon Henry being ‘our’ son and when Regina first taught Emma to use her magic. It was the first time she truly learned of the terrible life she had banished Emma to - the life of an orphan. It was also the first time she saw Emma acting to take back control of her life, fighting for herself and fighting for her family. She supposed that is when she saw Emma for more than just the ‘savior’ or the birth mother of Henry.

 

A feeling of warmth spread through Regina as she thought back on their shared time in Neverland, one, to her surprise that caused her to momentarily flush.

 

Up until then, Regina had no idea how much she had admired Emma. The blonde dove head first into things in a way that she had always wanted to be never had the guts to. Everything Regina did was carefully planned and calculated as her mother had always trained her to do. _Never show your hand, always think several steps ahead_ \- but Emma was driven by pure passion and emotion and _always_ acted in the moment.  

 

The door to Emma’s bedroom was shut most of the way, but not latched. Regina reached out her hand and pushed lightly on the door, crossing over the threshold. Emma’s bedroom was almost about as barren as the rest of the apartment. Regina half expected to see clothes strewn about, but the room was well kept and very neat. The bed was expertly made and everything was neatly put away.

 

Regina walked over to the closet and opened up the sliding doors, releasing the scent of Emma Swan into the room. Closing her eyes she took a deep breath through her nose, reveleing in the scent of vanilla and lavender. Regina ran her hand along the neatly hung clothing, not really knowing why but feeling the need to do so all the same.

 

She chuckled lightly to herself when she encountered the section of Emma’s hideous leather jackets. The woman simply had _no_ style at all, but somehow she managed to pull it off. No matter what the blonde wore, she wore it with confidence – a confidence that she didn’t _just_ wear - it was something that came from inside of her. It was something she owned and exuded, not something that she adorned like a cloak or a tabard.

 

Regina sat down tentatively on the edge of Emma’s bed and picked up one of the pillows. Before she could stop herself she pressed the pillow to her face and inhaled deeply, breathing in everything that was Emma Swan. The scent was still so pungent it was almost as though the blonde herself was pressed up against her in that room.

 

For reasons unbeknownst to herself Regina began crying into the pillow, hiccupping and sobbing until she felt the vibration from her cell phone in the pocket of her peacoat. It took several vibrations to tug her back to reality, and she finally pulled the phone out of her coat and flicked her finger across the screen, accepting the call from Snow. Her heart clenched in anticipation of the worst, knowing that nothing good could have come from a call so early in the morning.

 

“Emma –?“

 

“ _Regina, she’s awake.”_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again for the comments/kudos! I'm still so surprised how well this story has been received!
> 
> We finally get some Swan Queen interaction in this chapter, so I hope it was worth the wait!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and for your feedback.

Regina raced out of Emma’s apartment and grabbed Henry from his slumber, whisking him away to the hospital without more than a few rushed words to Robin.

 

“Just stay here with Roland.”

 

The words had already escaped her by the time she realized they were harsher than she intended.  A flash of hurt crossed Robin’s eyes, but she didn’t have any time to stay simply to ease his bruised ego.

 

Depositing Henry in the waiting area in the care of a couple of nurses, Regina rushed over to Snow and Charming, who were lingering in the hall outside of the ICU.  The two looked oddly forlorn for parents who should be thrilled that their daughter is awake.

 

As Regina opened her mouth to speak, she was interrupted by Snow.

 

“Before you ask to see her…you can’t.” Snow muttered timidly.

 

“What do you mean _I can’t_?” Regina snapped, with her lips pulled back in a snarl, causing Snow to wince at the aggression and shift her weight onto her heel.

 

“I mean that _no one_ is allowed to see her.”

 

Regina’s twinge of devastation morphed into complete confusion. 

 

“Now why on earth would that be?”

 

“Emma doesn’t want to see us.”

 

Regina felt some sympathy for her former step daughter.  If the situation was different and it was Henry that didn’t want to see her, well it would simply destroy her.  Her sympathy quickly dissolved into anger when she realized that Emma refused the presence of her parents, knowing full well how much it would hurt them.

 

“Well I don’t care _what_ that selfish brat wants.” Regina yelled as she lurched forward towards the Charmings, jabbing a finger down the hall towards where the blonde was being kept. 

 

“Emma owes us and especially Henry an explanation.  I’m not going to let her hide from her actions in that room.”

 

Regina practically bowled over the Charmings as she shoved past them, marching her way down the hall to Emma’s room in the ICU. 

 

Passing several nurses on the way, she ignored their shouting and continued with determination towards her destination.

 

**_“Mayor Mills!”_ **

****

**_“Please!”_ **

****

**_“You’re not allowed in there!”_ **

 

Regina halted only briefly as doors to the ICU slid open.  Emma seemed to flinch almost imperceptibly at Regina’s sudden appearance in the room, but failed to acknowledge her or meet her eyes.  Her gaze remained downcast as Regina stepped into the room.

 

Regina observed several nurses tending to the machines around Emma and to the blonde herself.  The tube had been removed from her throat and Emma was clearly able to breathe on her own.  If it was at all possible, the woman appeared to be more battered and bruised than the previous night.  Hot and fresh lighter bruises were darkening to deep swollen and probably agonizingly painful purples. 

 

Emma had always been rather stoic, and was never one to show outwardly that she was in any physical discomfort, but it was clear to her by the blonde’s pallor and the beads of sweat dripping down her face that she was in fact in a great deal of pain.  Regina could see from even several feet away how Emma was clenching her jaw to contain audible cries of pain and how the edges of her eyes twitched involuntarily whenever the nurses touched her.

 

_Serves her right._

 

Regina wanted to feel compassion for the blonde’s condition but in that moment she could only feel seething unadulterated anger.  Emma did this to herself and Regina hoped that in some way the pain that she was going through would be a lesson to never repeat such idiocy.

 

It was only when she felt her nails digging deep into her palm that Regina realized that a voice was speaking to her.

 

Whale and several of the on call nurses had come storming into the room shortly after Regina had made her grand entrance.  The voice she was hearing was Whale’s.

 

“You can’t be in here, Mayor Mills.  Emma doesn’t want any visitors.”

 

Regina whipped around and snapped at Whale.

 

“I don’t care what she wants.  I need to speak with the mother of my son, and I’m not going to wait.”

 

Whale sighed and stepped around Regina towards Emma’s hospital bed.

 

“Emma, do you want us to escort her out?” he asked her in a gentle voice.

 

The blonde’s gaze remained downcast, and she failed to utter a word in response.  After a brief moment he turned to Regina.

 

“You can speak with her but I have to fill you in on a few matters first.” He explained, gesturing to the hallway. 

 

Regina followed him out of the room so they could speak privately out of earshot of Emma and the nurses.

 

“As you can see, Emma is awake, and much to my surprise, she isn’t suffering from any permanent brain damage.  All of the tests have come back negative.”

 

Regina shifted her weight to her other leg and huffed impatiently.

 

“That’s all wonderful news Doctor Whale, but is there a reason why you pulled me out of the room to inform me of what I could easily conclude just by looking at her?”

 

Whale pursed his lips and took a deep breath to keep his patience in check.

 

“That being said…” he continued. “Emma hasn’t actually spoken since she’s been awake.  She’s responsive to visual and verbal cues but for all intents and purposes she appears to be catatonic. ”

 

Regina cocked her head to the side and raised her eyebrows questioningly at Whale.

 

“What are you telling me, exactly?  That there’s nothing physically wrong with her but she’s refusing to speak?”

 

“I’m not sure if she’s refusing to speak or if she’s simply too traumatized to do so.  She responds occasionally, like when I asked if I should call her family after she first woke.  Emma nearly pulled every lead out of her in physical protest so we were forced to sedate her.”

 

Regina felt a sudden rush of guilt at her premature anger towards the blonde.  As much as she wanted to blame Emma for her own actions, it was clear that this who situation was much larger than the actions she took the previous night.

 

She glanced over through the glass at Emma.  The blonde didn’t appear to be anything but a shell of the woman she once was.  Her heart clenched excruciatingly as she tried to figure out how she was going to fix this and what she was going to tell Henry.  Henry was eager to see his mother, how could she let him see her like this?

 

“I was about to call a psych consult to assess her mental stability when you arrived.  I still think we should do that before we let anyone else in to see her.”

 

Whale’s words registered in Regina’s brain on a delay and they were muddled as if they sound were traveling through water.

 

Regina turned to Whale, blinking to return the clarity back to her mind.

 

“ _What did you say_?  You are _not_ letting that bug anywhere near her, I won’t allow it!  Miss Swan survived a traumatic event less than 24 hours ago. She simply needs some time to process.”

 

“Mayor Mills, I really don’t think –“ Whale attempted in protest.

 

“It’s not up for discussion!” Regina snapped. “And don’t act like any of you could go against my wishes, I’m still the most powerful person in this town.”

  
Despite being ‘good’ as of late, her threats of bodily harm were as commanding and compelling as ever.  It was at times like this that Regina appreciated her previous reputation as the Evil Queen.

 

“Fine.” Whale conceded. “But mark my words, she’ll need a lot more than just time to get over this. She’s going to need professional help.”

 

“Then we shall address that if the time comes.”

 

Regina turned her attention back towards Emma, walking back into the room, stopping in front of the nurses who darted uncomfortable looks between Whale and Regina.

 

“Leave us.” Regina commanded.

 

Whale nodded at the nurses and they all cleared the room.

 

Silence washed over the room as Regina decided how she wanted to approach this with Emma.  The woman still hasn’t acknowledged her presence.  It was so unlike Emma not to react when she was around.  Regina itched for something, anything, even if it was anger directed towards her.  She didn’t care if she’d have to bear the brunt of it, as long as it would mean that Emma would be ultimately be alright.

 

Regina sighed audibly and dragged a chair from the corner of the room over to the side of Emma’s bed.  She sat down stiffly and crossed her legs.  At first she wasn’t sure of what to with her hands but she decided to take a leap of faith to see if physical contact would spur a reaction from the blonde. 

 

Regina reached out her hand and rested it on the exposed skin of Emma’s forearm.  Her whole body seemed to constrict under the weight of Regina’s hand as she took in a sharp breath and squeezed her eyes shut.

 

Relief rushed through Regina when Emma responded to her touch.  Granted it wasn’t the response she was hoping for, but any response was a good sign. 

 

_What was it that I was hoping for, exactly?_

  
Unable to answer her own question at the moment, she turned her attention back to Emma.

 

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” she asked, hoping her inquiry would elicit a verbal response.

 

Emma shook her head and after a few deep breaths opened her eyes, still refusing to look at Regina.

 

“You know you’re going to have to explain this, and you’ll need to do it soon.”

 

Emma swallowed deeply in silent acknowledgement, which seemed to cause her some discomfort, likely from the recently removed breathing tube.

 

“You owe all of us, but most of all Henry an explanation for whatever it is you intended to do last night.”

  
The blonde flinched at the mention of her son.  Regina squeezed Emma’s forearm lightly and leaned in further towards her. 

 

“Whatever it is…everyone will understand.  Henry, your parents, all they want is for you to be alright.”

 

Regina waited, hoping that her soft approach would prompt something from Emma, but much to her dismay, the blonde remained silent.  If Emma wasn’t going to respond to kindness, then she was going to have to take the ‘tough love’ approach.

 

“Miss Swan.” Regina barked at Emma, startling her with the sternness of her voice.

 

“You have a son who loves you sitting out there in that waiting room and he wants to see his mother.  What you put him through is unforgivable.  I expect you to make it right and you’re going to start right now.”

 

Regina rose out of her chair abruptly and turned to leave the room.  A hand grabbed her wrist tightly, pulling her back around to face the bed with surprising strength.

 

All of Regina’s devices left her as she met Emma’s desperate tear glazed eyes. 

 

“I can’t.” Emma choked out in a pleading dry voice that was a cross between a cry and a whisper.

 

Regina wanted desperately just to pull the blonde into a tight embrace, but she knew coddling her wasn’t going to be of any help.  The two of them were much alike in that regard.

 

She pried her arm from Emma’s grasp and the blonde’s now free arm dropped limply down at her side. 

 

“You can and you will.  You have one hour and I’m bringing him in here, so you better be ready.”

 

Regina spun on her heel and left the room without another glance back, leaving Emma staring after her with a look of utter shock and fear in her eyes.

 

When Regina was out of sight, she reached a hand out towards a nearby wall, leaning on it briefly as she collected herself.  After several deep breaths she was finally able to slow her breathing. 

 

Why did her encounter with Emma leave her so panicked?  Emma was the one who had to face the consequences of her actions, not her.  Chalking it up to concern over Henry, she continued down the hall back to rejoin the others.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, lots to say before you continue to read on.
> 
> First, thank you all for the feedback on the last chapter. 
> 
> Some of you weren't pleased with the way Regina handled Emma. Some of you were offended because suicide victims should be treated with more care. Your opinions and feelings are valid and I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone in any way. My intentions were not to violate a patient's rights or to disrespect the subject matter. My intentions were to keep Regina as true to her character as possible. 
> 
> Regina is not one that is equipped emotionally to deal with this sort of situation. The only coping mechanisms she has are the ones that were instilled in her by Cora. Cora wouldn't coddle her, and she'd tell her to get the fuck over it. Anger and control are the only ways Regina knows how to cope. I'm sorry if that's not how some of you wanted Regina to be portrayed, but in everything I write, I always try to stay as true to the characters as possible. Why else would you read? 
> 
> That being said, I hope those of you who weren't very happy with the last chapter will still give the story a chance.
> 
> This chapter is from Emma's perspective. Things will go back and forth as the story moves on.
> 
> I decided to post this update a bit sooner because I know all of you are devastated that there's no new OUAT airing tonight.
> 
> Please continue to provide feedback. I hope you enjoy this update and thanks for reading!

As Emma watched Regina leave, she struggled to gain her bearings.  Regina’s face, the one in her wallet photo – was seared into her brain.  It’s almost as though she subconsciously imprinted the image in the back of her mind, wanting it to be the very last thing she saw before…before it all ended.  Now that she was awake – that she was still alive - it was  _all_  she could see.  No matter where she looked she saw Regina  _and_  Henry, and it was all too painful to bear.

 

Their faces in her mind were a constant reminder of what a complete and utter failure she was.

 

Emma leaned back and let her head plop against the pillow.  She pulled her unbroken hand over her eyes, hoping desperately that she would just wake up from whatever horrible nightmare she was trapped in.

 

_You’re such a fucking failure.  You couldn’t even manage to off yourself properly._

Emma groaned and looked down, surveying her injuries.  Not only did she fail, but she was stuck being crippled for what she assumed would be at the very least, _months_.  In her effort to flee from her problems and her family, she was likely now going to be attached to them at the hip…at least if Snow had anything to do with it.

  
Emma rolled her eyes at the thought of Snow suffocating her day in and day out when all she wanted to do was be alone.

 

_Way to go, Swan.  You managed to screw things up even worse for yourself then they were before.  Some savior you are, you can’t even fix your own pathetic life._

 

Every fiber of her being just wanted to kick and scream and rip all of those damn tubes and wires out and _get the fuck out of there_.  Instead, Emma clamped down on the inside of her cheek, reveling in the coppery taste of her own bloody fucking mortality.

 

Her balled up fist rattled against the rail of the bed.

 

_Fuuuuuuuck…_

What was she going to do about Henry?

 

Emma could barely stand to look at Regina… what in the hell was she going to say to Henry?  He will want an explanation, but she’s not sure that she’s ready to give him one.  How do you explain your unhappiness to your child?  How do you explain that you chose to leave him forever?  

 

Deep down, she hoped that he wouldn’t ask those questions, not at least until she figured it out for herself.

 

Emma sank back into her pillow, cringing at the loud crinkle of the plastic wrapped around the paper thin contents.

 

She let her mind drift as she poked at the angry bruise on her ribs.  The stabbing pain made her wince but for some reason it didn’t deter her from continuing to prod at it.  She felt at her core that she deserved the pain.  Just as her foster parents told her, she was truly worthless and deserved nothing more than _this_.  

 

_You always told yourself that you’d be more than what they said you were, but all you did was become the failure that they knew you’d be._

 

She didn’t deserve happiness and she never deserved a family.  All she deserved was pain - the pain from the beatings she got during her time in foster homes and on the streets before she met Neal.  

 

_You deserve to be alone because you are so unlovable that no one would want to be a part of your miserable life.  Your own parents dumped you like yesterday’s trash.  Even after you found them and freed them from their cursed prison, you still weren’t good enough for them.  They had to go have another damn kid to replace you because they were so ashamed of you._

 

Some part of her wasn’t even surprised that she woke up broken in this damn hospital bed from a botched suicide attempt.  It was just that fucking _perfect_ of a fit into her miserable goddamn life up until this point.

 

It’s obvious by how everyone was treating her that they all knew that what she did wasn’t an accident.  Emma knew that she was broken, but she by no means wanted people treating her like she was.  It was unbearable being ignored and forgotten by those she loved, but to have them turn around and pity her?  It couldn’t get any worse than that.

 

_You’re not just an unlovable failure, you’re pathetic to them.  They pity you.  Any chance you had of them giving half a shit about you drove off that embankment with the bug._

_The bug…god fucking damn it!_

It just couldn’t get any worse at this point. 

 

_I need to stop saying that…_

Not that she could physically even drive the bug any time soon, it was just that it was the one decent gift anyone ever gave her and she had to go and _total_ the damn thing.  Neal was the only one who actually gave a shit about her at some point, and now she lost the one last reminder of something good, something that occasionally made her hope that life would get better someday. 

 **  
**Even though she wasn’t in love with Neal, and now that she looks back, she probably never was – she still felt a connection with him.  He understood her, appreciated her, and always wanted the best for her.  Despite the lapse that put her in prison, she realizes now why he did it, and she’s no longer angry for it.  Even in the moments before his death, all he wanted to know was if she and Henry had happy lives in New York.  Now he was gone, no _stolen_ from her, and there was no one left to put her happiness first. 

 

A wave of panic started to rush through Emma as she began to feel trapped in the damn room with all of these damn wires and casts and the _constant beeping_.  All she wanted to do was run – to get away from all of these people.  They were just constant reminders of how she’d never be enough. 

 

Henry was better off without her.  Regina was a wonderful mother and Hood, as much as she hated to say it, would make a decent father.  Henry needed a father, not some fucked up ex-con orphan reject of a birth mother.

 

Emma darted a glance up to the clock on the wall. 

_10:52_

 

She had about twenty minutes left before Regina was going to bring Henry by.

 

_This is your chance, Swan.  Don’t be a fucking coward.  Do the right thing and let Henry and Regina have the life and the family they deserve._

 

With one sharp intake of breath she clenched her jaw, squeezed her eyes shut and yanked all of the tubes out of her arm, letting out a hiss of pain.  She followed that by pulling all of the leads off of her chest, causing the heart monitor to flat line and beep wildly. 

 

She knew she probably wouldn’t be able to move fast due to the extent of her injuries, but if she could just muster up enough concentration and strength, perhaps she’d be able to magically transport herself from the bed.

 

_Clear your mind!_

 

Her rate of breathing increased as her heart thudded rapidly inside her chest.  Glancing frantically towards the door, she knew she only had a minute or two at most to pull this off before anyone made it to the room.

 

_Don’t you fail them again.  Do something right for once. Focus!_

 

Emma tried to remember what Regina always said. 

 

_Magic is emotion._

 

Focusing in on all of the love she felt for them, she disappeared instantly in a cloud of white smoke.  The last wisps of it were visible when a team of nurses and Doctor Whale rushed into the room, only to find that Emma was gone.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the continuous feedback and support!
> 
> I've felt inspired lately, hence the frequent updates.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Emma landed with a not-so-graceful thud onto the wooden floor of what used to be Zelena’s cabin deep in the back woods of Storybrooke.  It was the only place she could think of where she wouldn’t be too easily located.  No one would expect it and it would buy her some much needed time.

 

She groaned from the pain piercing through her from the impact and rolled over onto her back.

 

Being that she was no longer hooked up to the IV’s and there was still a drainage tube sticking out of her chest, she was not in _any_ shape to move.  She just laid on her back, sprawled out on the floor, staring up at the cracks in the ceiling, wondering if waiting around would be enough for it all to just… _end_.

 

It was dusty and moldy in the cabin, as it hadn’t been touched since they took out Zelena.  After a few breaths, the air’s contaminants threw her into a violent coughing fit.  Emma clawed at her ribs in agonizing pain as blood began to trickle out of the corner of her mouth.

 

After her coughing subsided somewhat, she fell into a fit of laughter.  Her lips were pulled back in combination of a grimace and a grin, revealing a set of blood stained teeth.

 

Emma chuckled despite the fact that it made it increasingly difficult for her to breathe, and that it caused a searing and stabbing pain in her lung every time her diaphragm contracted. 

 

Everything was just all too _perfect_.  She was literally born for _one_ purpose – to save everyone and restore their chance at happiness.  At first she didn’t realize what it all meant, she assumed rather one-dimensionally that it was solely about breaking Regina’s curse, but now she realized that it was so much more than that.

 

It wasn’t just about restoring memories or free will to the people of Storybrooke.  It wasn’t just about exposing Regina for her wrongdoings.  It was about helping those around her find their happiness. 

 

Snow and Charming found happiness with their new baby.  Leo was their new chance at a fulfilling life together with the family that they always dreamed of.  Regina finally found her second chance at love and a real family.  Emma’s intervention allowed Regina to keep Henry, and now she also had Robin and Roland. 

 

Emma had thought about it all wrong.  It wasn’t about her finding her place in this world because she truly never had one…in this realm or any other.  She was never _meant_ to have one.  She existed solely for the betterment of others and was never meant to find her own happiness.

_This_ is how it was supposed to end.

 

_Maybe you weren’t a complete failure after all…_

 

Emma had finally found some sort of peace, and allowed herself to let go.  Letting her eyes slide shut, she let the urge to sleep overtake her, slipping into unconsciousness.

 

\---

 

**_Earlier_ **

 

Regina entered the waiting area only to be confronted by a pair of infuriated Charmings.

 

“What made you think you had the right to just barge in there against Emma’s wishes?!”

 

Regina hadn’t seen Snow that angry since their feud in the Enchanted Forest over 30 years ago.  Regardless, she knew she did the right thing – what needed to be done, and stood her ground.

 

“ _Someone_ had to go in there and talk some sense into _your_ daughter.  Letting her think that she can hide from the consequences of her actions is not something that’s going to help her, Snow.”

 

 _‘You’d know that if you had actually been a parent_ ’ she wanted to add, but knew better than to provoke that argument, knowing precisely where it would lead.

 

Snow took a step forward, only to be tugged back by Charming.  It didn’t stop her from attacking, though.

 

“Maybe you’re right, Regina – but who are _you_ to Emma?  You’re not her friend, and you’re not family.  It’s not your place.”

 

As much as it gnawed at her, Regina knew that Snow was right.  She wasn’t anything to Emma, but she couldn’t help but feel hurt by her words.  Regina cared for Emma and wanted to mean something to the blonde because Emma meant something to _her_.  Despite the fact that the two families had come to somewhat of an amicable truce, she still wasn’t and never would be a part of the Charming family.

 

“Maybe it isn’t, but you were content with sitting here while your daughter rotted away, alone in a hospital bed because _you_ lacked the fortitude to confront her.  If you weren’t going to try and help her, someone had to.”

 

A flash of guilt tore across Snows eyes as she shrank back into Charming’s protective embrace.

 

“Will she let us see her?” Charming asked neutrally, not looking to perpetuate the argument between the two women.

 

“Emma’s not herself and she still doesn’t want to see anyone.  I told her I’d be bringing Henry by within the hour and I think that’s all she will be able to tolerate for the time being.”

 

“Who are you to – “ Snow interjected, only to be stifled by Charming who squeezed her arm tightly, cutting off her thought.

 

“Henry needs to see his mother, Snow.  He’s just a boy and he won’t be able to process any of this without seeing her.”

 

Snow locked eyes with her husband and tentatively nodded in agreement, turning to Regina to do the same.

 

“I won’t stop you.  But you aren’t to interfere again without consulting us first.”

 

Regina knew better than to fuel the fire with further argument.  Pursing her lips and offering Snow a curt nod, she stepped past the Charmings, making her way over to Henry.

 

As she took hesitant strides towards her son, she contemplated how best to explain his mother’s current condition. Emma was clearly not…alright.  Even at this very moment she questioned the blonde’s ability to handle any interaction with Henry.  What she did know, was that Henry needed to see his mother, so like it or not, she’d have to fill him in on her condition first and hope that he’d be strong enough to handle it.  As much as she wanted to shield him from the harsher realities of the situation, Henry has already been through so much.  He’s a young man, no longer a boy, and he deserved the truth.

 

“Mom?” Henry asked, lifting his head as he heard the steady clack of heels, signaling his adoptive mother’s approach.

 

Regina knelt down in front him and took the hands that were hanging limply in his lap into her own.  Squeezing them gently, she took a sharp intake of breath and met his eyes – the eyes that showed the same openness and vulnerability as his birth mother’s.

 

“Emma is awake, and miraculously there isn’t any permanent damage as far as Doctor Whale can tell..”

 

Out of excitement, Henry couldn’t wait for his mother to finish.

 

“ – So Ma’s okay?!”

 

Regina deflated slightly, hating to have to rob her son of his brief moment of relief.

 

“Physically speaking, yes.”  She bit at her bottom lip and waited for several agonizing moments while she watched her son’s expression transition from relief to dread.  He instantly paled, and she took that as her opportunity to explain, this time without interruption.

  
“Your mother seems to be of sound mind but this…whole ordeal has taken its toll on her.  I confronted her about the accident and she did not deny that it was of her own cause.  She’s troubled, Henry - she barely looked at me and when she did she only managed to speak a few words.”

 

Every fiber of her being wished that she could absorb the pain that her son was going through, much like she absorbed the magic that was supposed to kill anyone that came through the portal in the well when Emma and Snow returned from the Enchanted Forest.  She knew that there were things she wouldn’t be able to shield her son from, but it didn’t make it any easier for her to endure.

 

“I’m going to take you to see her, but you mustn’t pressure her for answers.  Knowing your mother, she won’t be in any position to explain her actions right now but she won’t want to be coddled.  Tell her you love her and that you’re happy she’s well, and just be there with her.”

 

Much to Regina’s surprise, Henry didn’t offer up any protest or argument.  He nodded weakly and pressed his lips together.  Their slight quiver indicated that he was fighting back tears. 

 

Before she could come up with any further words of reassurance for her son, she was interrupted by the sound of Doctor Whale rushing through the doors into the waiting area.

  
“Emma’s gone.”

 

Everyone in the room gasped in shock at the news.  Snow instantly began crying and collapsed into Charming’s arms.

 

Regina stood up and swiftly closed the distance between herself and Doctor Whale.

 

“What do you mean, she’s _gone_?!”

 

Something inside Regina just _snapped_. 

 

Her heart pounded into her ears, drowning out all of the sounds and voices around her.  Her throat instantly dried up, making each breath short and labored.  The adrenaline surged through her body, making her lightheaded, and for a brief moment she thought she may faint right there on the spot.

 

_She can’t be gone.  I need her, damn it!_

 

Whale noticed his misstep in words as panic and grief set in amongst Emma’s family members.

 

“Emma’s not dead, she’s _gone_.  I think she magically transported herself out of her room.  We need to find her right away – her injures are much too severe to remain untreated for too long.”

 

As Regina processed Whale’s words the world started to shift back into focus.  She blinked and looked Whale in the eyes.

 

“I need to go to her room right away in order to be able to track her magic.”

 

“We need to hurry.” Whale said, and he and Regina ran down the hall towards Emma’s room in the ICU.

 

Regina hoped desperately that she could track Emma down before it was too late.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 200 kudos already! I'm floored. Thank you for all of the lovely comments.

In their haste it only took Regina and Whale less than a minute to make it back to Emma’s room in the ICU.  The machines were still beeping wildly due to their abrupt detachment.  Regina could immediately sense the residual ebbs of Emma’s magic in the air, and she instantly knew that Whale was correct in his assumption that Emma had used her magic to flee.

 

Ever since Regina and Emma had combined magic to stop the trigger from destroying Storybrooke, their magic had always been somewhat intertwined.  Regina could always sense when Emma was in close proximity or when she was more emotionally charged, as magic was fueled by emotion and the headstrong savior was certainly brimming with it. 

 

A wave of guilt overtook Regina as she realized that for her not to have sensed Emma’s inner turmoil, it meant that she really had neglected Emma after all.  Not only had she blatantly ignored the obvious signs of Emma’s troubles, it was she who drove Emma to take off like this, endangering herself  _again_.

 

_This is all my fault. At every turn I’ve done nothing but hurt Emma.  I should be the one suffering, not her._

 

The pain was literally palpable in the magic lingering in the room.  Regina could feel the desperation and the anguish in it and she began to feel her control slipping causing her own magic to surge inside of her.  Clenching her fists at her sides, her nails dug into her palms, practically drawing blood as she fought to contain her magic.  She closed her eyes, and took several deep breaths, feeling the tingling in her fingertips finally begin to diminish.

 

After a few tentative but urgent prompts by Whale, she finally turned to look at him through the few tears that had formed behind her eyes.

 

“Regina, do you think you can locate her?  We don’t have much time…”

 

Regina cleared her throat and nodded, stepping towards Emma’s bed.

 

“I think there’s enough residual magic left for me to track her, I just need a minute.”

 

Regina ran a hand over the bed sheets, trying to get as close to the remnants of Emma’s magic as possible.  If she could get a strong enough connection, she may be able to catch a glimpse of where the blonde fled to.

 

She traced the strongest part of Emma’s magic to the pillow she had been laying on.  Grasping it in her hand, she was able to connect long enough to follow the trail which ended abruptly at Zelena’s cabin.  If she wasn’t so worried about the blonde, she’d compliment her on her cleverness.

 

“I know where she is.  Please inform Snow and David that I will have Emma back here shortly.”

 

Regina turned to Doctor Whale, intentionally shooting an intimidating glare his way to demonstrate the intent behind her next words.

 

“Do be sure that you’re prepared to receive her at any time, Doctor Whale.  Emma Swan will _not_ be dying today.”

 

Before Whale could respond, Regina disappeared abruptly into her own cloud of purple magic.

 

\----

 

When the world rushed back into focus, it didn’t take long for Regina to locate Emma, who was strewn unconscious on the cabin floor in front of her.

 

Regina immediately dropped to her knees, frantically pulling the blonde into her arms.  She could see evidence of some blood that trickled out of Emma’s mouth, which she knew couldn’t be a favorable sign.  She lowered an ear to the blonde’s chapped lips and could feel a faint rush of warm air, indicating that she was still alive and breathing.

  
Regina lifted her head and pulled the blonde in close, cradling Emma against her.  Using her free hand, Regina ran her fingers through her sweaty matted locks, gently caressing her scalp. 

 

Even in her unconscious state, it was clear that Emma was in pain.    

 

_I did this.  This is all my fault._

 

Regina knew she got swept up in her relationship with Robin but she had no idea how utterly selfish she had been.  She had been there with Emma at the hospital the day little Leo was born and saw the pain written all over her face.  She noticed how Emma withdrew and stopped attending their family dinners but she didn’t do a thing about it.  Now that she looked back, all of the signs were there but she chose to disregard Emma’s obvious need for help in lieu of her own happiness. 

 

_I really haven’t changed. I’m still robbing those around me of their happiness for the sake of my own._

 

Unlike her own actions, everything Emma Swan ever did was for the sake of others.  Even when Regina and Emma were still at odds with each other, the blonde didn’t hesitate to come to her rescue when the curse broke.  Emma had every reason to let Regina get what was coming to her, but she always stood by her even when it meant going against her parents and sometimes the entire town. 

  
_I don’t deserve you._

 

A couple of stray tears escaped her eyes, splattering down onto Emma’s face.  Regina wiped at the tears with the back of her hand which tingled slightly against the softness and the warmth of Emma’s skin.

 

“I’m not going to let you go, Emma.  I’m going to make this up to you if it’s the last thing I do.”

 

Regina leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Emma’s forehead before they both disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke.

 

\----

 

Regina sat at Emma’s beside for hours, waiting for her to wake from her second coma.  Snow, Charming and even Henry had been in to visit, despite the fact that if the blonde were conscious, she most likely would have protested their presence. 

 

Henry took the whole situation rather well, content for the time being to finally be allowed to see and sit with his birth mother.  The Charmings had since taken Henry back home so that he could get some rest, having to also pick Leo up from the sitter’s.  Regina had insisted upon staying at the hospital to ensure that Emma didn’t wake up alone to an empty room again.  Being that they had an infant to attend to, the Charmings thanked her and promised to return to relieve her first thing in the morning.

 

Regina had drifted in and out of consciousness from pure exhaustion, but she was not about to leave until Emma was awake and she knew for sure that she would be alright.  It was her fault that Emma left while she was in no condition to do so.  It was her fault that Emma was in far worse shape than she was even before.

 

Regina was startled when the hand she was holding twitched.  Darting a look up at Emma, she saw that she was regaining consciousness.  Emma blinked several times as she turned towards Regina, trying to adjust to the harsh fluorescent lighting.

 

“Hey.” Emma greeted her in a dry, pained whisper, the effort causing her to wince.

 

Regina reflexively put a hand down on Emma’s shoulder to prevent her from moving.  The electricity of the touch caused them both to take in a sharp breath.

 

“Hey.” Regina replied in a soft voice.

 

Regina thought briefly about removing her hand from Emma’s shoulder, as the gesture seemed a bit too intimate.  As much as her mind told her she shouldn’t, she decided to keep her hand there as something inside of her craved the contact.  Ever since she took Emma into her arms in Zelena’s cabin she didn’t want to let her go.  

 

Emma locked eyes with Regina, and for a moment Regina thought she felt Emma lean into her touch.  The movement, however slight it was, made Regina’s heart race.

 

“You really shouldn’t move. You managed to do even more damage to your lung, if that’s even possible.”

 

Emma managed to pull her lips into a smirk, a faint sparkle briefly returning to her eyes. 

 

“Well you know me…”

 

Regina could see that Emma was trying to dismiss her concern, but after everything that happened, there was no way that was going to work on her.  She needed to do things right this time, to stop Emma from taking off again.

 

“I know you were a runner before you came to Storybrooke, but I don’t understand why you’re running again now.  You finally found your family – your home.”

 

Regina seemed to have struck a nerve as pain flashed across Emma’s eyes, causing her to turn away.

 

“I can’t…” she muttered, physically pulling away from Regina.

 

_Don’t screw this up again.  Talk to her.  Get her to open up._

 

Regina gently caressed the back of Emma’s hand with her thumb, which prompted the blonde to reluctantly turn back towards her.

 

“You keep saying that Emma, but after everything we’ve been through together, I don’t understand what could be bothering you that you wouldn’t be able to share with me.”

 

Emma’s whole body seemed to tense in response.  Whether it was from physical pain, emotional pain or both, Regina wasn’t sure.  The look of pure fear in Emma’s eyes, however, was something else entirely.

 

Regina wondered what could possibly be so terrible that Emma felt that she couldn’t confide in her.  What could Emma be so afraid of?  During their time together fighting against Pan and Zelena, they had both opened up quite a bit to each other.  The fact that Emma was now shutting her out so completely was nothing short of alarming.

 

Regina could see that tears were forming in Emma’s eyes and her voice quivered slightly as she spoke.

 

“I don’t want to burden you…”

 

“Don’t be silly, Emma.  It isn’t a burden for you to share things with your family.”

 

Regina failed to notice her choice of words until it was too late.  As much as she considered Emma to be family, they had never referred to each other as such.  She saw Emma’s eyes widen at the mention of her being considered family, but the blonde remained silent, choosing not to comment on it.  

 

Emma took a long dry gulp and repositioned their hands so she could strongly clasp Regina’s.  Emma met Regina’s eyes once more, but the intensity in them made Regina fear the worst.

 

“If I tell you, it will hurt you and I can’t do that.  I won’t.”

 

Regina stiffened, taken aback by Emma’s words.  What could Emma possibly say that would hurt her?  None of it made any sense and the blonde’s dismissal of something that may profoundly affect the both of them upset her tremendously.

  
“Shouldn’t I have a say if this is something that may affect me as well?”

 

“No.” Emma replied coldly, clearly trying to put the issue to bed.

 

Emma was pulling away and Regina was desperate for anything that would keep the blonde here and help her get better.  She had one last idea.

 

“Well if you won’t talk to me, will you talk to Doctor Hopper?”

 

Emma turned away, biting down on her lower lip while balling the blankets into the clenched fist of her casted hand.  Regina could see that she was having some sort of internal battle over whether or not to concede to accepting treatment.  She thought maybe a gentle push in the right direction could perhaps be of help.

 

“It was actually Henry’s suggestion.  Doctor Hopper helped him a great deal after everything that happened with Pan and Zelena and he wants you to get better, Emma.  We all do.”

 

Regina could see the tears beginning to slide down Emma’s cheeks despite her efforts to contain them.  Emma nodded weakly and gave Regina’s hand a squeeze, her answer escaping in a choked whisper.

 

“Okay.”

 

Regina’s heart ached to see Emma in pain, but she was thankful that the blonde was willing to seek help.  No matter what Emma said or did to try and push her away, Regina vowed that she would stick by her this time.  Even if they hadn’t mutually acknowledged it, Emma was family and Regina would never let anyone, not even her soul mate, get in the way of her family ever again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still shocked at the amount of support and enthusiasm I've received from all of you on this fic!
> 
> Sorry that this update took a bit long, all the angst in this fandom has been making it a bit hard to write these days. 
> 
> Thank you again for all of the comments/kudos!

As difficult as it was being around Regina, having to spend one-on-one time with Snow was absolutely excruciating.  She meant well of course, but she still didn’t really know how to be a parent.  It wasn’t her fault – lacking the experience and all, but Emma felt much more comfortable and oddly…safe in Regina’s presence, more so than her own mother’s. 

 

Snow had thankfully avoided the suicidal elephant in the room and just sat with her chattering about this and that, but there was this look that never left her, a look that she never used on Emma before.  It was the look that her social workers used to give her back when she was in foster care.  It’s this vacant look in their eyes, the one they used when they tried to hide their pity, because deep down they knew she was broken and that no one would ever want to adopt a damaged child.  They’d spout their empty platitudes but she learned at an early age, that’s _exactly_ what they were.  Emma decided to suppress that last shred of hope she had desperately clung to for so long.  She refused to be defined by being an orphan.  She was a complete, whole and independent person who didn’t need anyone else or their pity.  When she got out of foster care, she swore that no one would ever have a reason to look at her that way again. 

 

Yet here she was, her life oddly coming full circle without her even realizing it.  The moment Henry showed up on her doorstep on the night of her 28th birthday, she abandoned her mantra of needing no one else but herself and began to feel hope again.  Henry with his youthful faith and positivity, barreled straight through her carefully constructed walls and there was no way she could ever go back. 

 

Three years later, she found herself feeling exposed and vulnerable once again, and subject to that same pity.  Of course she had been elated to be reunited with her family and to have met Henry and Regina.  But now, there was a part of her that almost regretted coming to Storybrooke and breaking the curse.  Emma knew that it was selfish of her to wish that they all remained cursed, but the reality was that when she was alone before, she was okay.  Emma never let anyone in and never relinquished one ounce of control over her emotions or life to another soul. It was a lonely existence, but at least then, her life wouldn’t shatter into a million pieces when things inevitably fell apart.

 

_Feeling nothing is a much better alternative if what you’re feeling is gut wrenchingly devastating._

 

That’s what she used to tell herself, anyway.  Instead, Emma let her resolve wane, she let Henry in and she got sucked into needing and wanting a family again – into needing and wanting _love_.  Emma let them all in, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t push them back out.  Those she loved inhabited a permanent corner of her heart, and no amount of booze or isolation in her pathetic shack of an apartment would be enough to flush them out.

  
Whether or not it was what she had intended, or what she truly wanted, Emma was all-in now and that didn’t leave her many options.  She laid there in her hospital bed and listened to the white noise of Snow’s absentminded chatter, as her mind and heart was focused elsewhere. 

  
Regina wanted to talk to her about what happened, to understand her and help her. After all of this time, it was hard to believe that _now_ Regina wanted to be a real part of Emma’s life.  She couldn’t help but wonder, though, if it was purely out of guilt or something else entirely.  What she knew though, was that it was too risky to tell Regina how she really felt about her.  There was no way she’d risk Regina’s chance at happiness after everything she’d been through for a glimpse of hope that Regina would actually want to be with someone like her.

 

_If you love Regina, you won’t tell her.  You can’t._

 

The pain of that realization was becoming almost too much to bear.  Emma could deal with the physical pain of the damage she’d done to her body – physical pain wasn’t anything new for her.  The emotional pain of having to constantly be around something that she yearned for but could never have, was something that she wasn’t sure she’d be able to live with.

 

Every time she saw Robin touch Regina, hold her hand in his or even kiss her on the lips, it was as if someone tore her heart from her chest – for lack of a better comparison.  The pain was excruciating when Cora had forced her hand into Emma’s chest, curled her fingers around her heart and _yanked_.  Even that paled in comparison to what Robin’s proximity to Regina and to Henry had caused her.

 

She laughed internally at the realization that her love was her own personal dark curse, and there wasn’t a soul in the world that could break it.

 

Apparently she had drifted in her thoughts for too long, because she was pulled back into focus by Snow shaking at her arm.

 

“Sweetie, where were you?  We were in the middle of a conversation and you just…left.”

 

Emma smiled weakly at her mother choosing to pretend to be okay, because the latter would warrant a greater attempt at mothering that she was not currently in a state to handle.

 

“Yeah, it’s just the meds they have me on.  I’m just a little foggy.” Her voice cracked a little from the lack of use.

 

Snow tilted her head, questioning her daughter’s response, but appeared satisfied for the moment, as she didn’t press the issue.

 

“Whale said that they should be able to get you off of most of these machines in a couple of days and then you can come home.”

 

_Home?_

 

Emma pulled her arm away from her mother’s grasp.

 

“I’m sorry…what?”

 

Snow sighed and withdrew her hand into her lap.   

 

“You’re coming home with your father and I.”  Snow gestured with her arm at Emma.  “Look at yourself - you’re in no position to be caring for yourself right now, Emma.  Please don’t fight us on this.  We’re your parents and we’re going to help you through this.”

 

She should have known that this was coming.  After everything that happened she hadn’t really thought about how long she’d be in the hospital for or what she’d do when she was released. 

 

_Of course she wants to take you home, you idiot.  She’s your mother._

 

It wasn’t _her_ home though.  It hadn’t really been her home since before the original curse broke – when they were still living as Emma Swan and Mary Margaret Blanchard – best friends and roommates.  Her home really wasn’t even that dank apartment that she paid rent for on the first of every month.  Every time she thought of home she could only picture Henry and Regina, but there never was nor will there ever be a place at 108 Mifflin Street for her to reside.

 

What she did know though, was that she couldn’t go home with Snow and David.  They had her infant brother to deal with and the last thing she needed was to be the third wheel on the perfect little Charming family reboot.  Every time she was around them she felt a pang of jealousy over her innocent little brother and that was something the kid didn’t deserve. 

 

Emma straightened up in her bed, trying her best to command her presence and her tone.

 

“I appreciate what you’re saying, Snow, I really do…but you guys have more than you can handle with an infant.  I’ll figure something out, but I won’t be going back with you.”

 

Snow met her eyes and she could see her resolve weakening.  Emma’s reasoning was sound but she could still see the concern in her mother’s eyes.

 

“Sweetheart, I know that the idea of being cooped up in apartment with a screaming baby isn’t the best situation, but you’d be surrounded by your family…supported.  More than anything else, you need your family right now.”

 

_You’re my family by blood but we never were a family.  Why can’t you see that?_

 

Emma’s frustration and anger began to build and she bit at the inside of her cheek to keep from lashing out.  Yeah, they’re family but she didn’t grow up with them.  They never cared for her when she was sick or hurt before, so there’s really no place for them to do it now.

 

_Maybe you shouldn’t have driven your car into a tree.  Now they think you’re a fucking basket case._

 

Emma wasn’t broken or crazy and the last thing she needed was a damn babysitter.  She was ready to tolerate how fucked up her recovery would be due to all of her self-inflicted injuries but she was in no way going to tolerate people treating her like a head case when they had absolutely _no clue_ why any of this even happened in the first place.

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

Emma’s words were distant and cold.

 

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Emma.”

 

Snow was clearly hurt by her words and was going to attempt to plead with her pathetically, but Emma wasn’t in the mood to spend her time and energy trying to make Snow feel better about being an inadequate parent.

  
“Yes I do.  I’m not a child, and I’m not crazy, so stop treating me like I am.” 

  
Emma in her anger had practically shouted at Snow, sending a shooting pain through her lung and threw her into another coughing fit.

  
“Emma honey, that…that wasn’t my intention – “ Snow stuttered, reaching out towards her.

 

Emma rolled away from Snow, and turned her head, fixing her gaze on the slight tear in the wallpaper across the room.  Finally her coughing ceased.

 

“I’d like to rest, if that’s alright with you.”

 

She couldn’t bear to turn back and look at Snow, but after a moment of silence hung in the air, she heard the chair scrape across the floor.

 

“Yes, of course. I call you later.”

 

Emma felt a bit guilty for snapping at Snow like that, but she didn’t want to set the precedent for people to treat her like she should be in a straight jacket either. 

 

_Things will get more manageable, you just need to get out of this damn bed first._

 

Emma let out a long drawn sigh and grabbed for the button on the pain medication dispenser and pressed it.  What she needed now was rest, so she could get the hell out of here and away from everyone so she could think through it all with a clear head.

 

She rested her head back against her pillow and covered herself as best she could in the hospital blankets and the quilt Snow left for her.  After a few minutes she could feel the morphine kicking in and she quickly drifted off to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note before you guys read this chapter....
> 
> I started writing this story before the end of 3B, so none of that nonsense with Marian ever happened. The fact that it was even written into canon has me incensed...but hey, that's what we have fan fiction for, right? ;)
> 
> Anyhow, as always, thank you for your continued support, and enjoy! This chapter is from Regina's POV.

The sun had just begun to rise when Regina finally crossed the threshold of 108 Mifflin Street.  As she pushed open the door, she could almost hear the silence hanging in the air.  Over the intentionally slow drive home Regina tried to figure out what she was going to say to Robin.  She knew that she’d neglected him these past few days, and she knew he would want and need an explanation. For a brief moment, as she began to ascend the stairs to her bedroom, she thought if she were lucky enough that Robin may still be in bed.

 

Instead she was met by a deep, cold voice behind her, one that sent a shiver down her spine. 

 

“I was wondering if you were ever going to return home.  Roland has been asking for you and being that I was told nothing, I didn’t know what to tell him.”

 

Regina took a deep breath to compose herself and then turned to face Robin, clutching the wooden railing that lined the stairs.  Robin knew she had grown to care for Roland and was obviously using him to guilt her for her actions or lack thereof.   Robin wasn’t one to anger quickly or frequently, but the few times he had, it had triggered memories of the king that Regina had tried her best to suppress.  She met Robin’s eyes with the strongest gaze she could muster and pushed back in the only way she knew how.

 

“I’m sorry if the sudden near-death of my son’s birth mother doesn’t suit your schedule, but I’ve done nothing wrong here.  If you don’t mind, I’ve been up all night and I’d like to get some rest.”

 

Regina turned to continue her way upstairs, hoping that the tone of her response would cause Robin to relent.  Fortune, however, was not in her favor at this moment as she heard the echo of his boot on the wooden floor as he took a step towards her.

 

“What is she to you that you couldn’t have bothered to even call me?”

 

Despite the discomfort of the entire situation, she supposed that this line of questioning was a long time coming.  Robin had always inserted a snide remark here and there about Emma, but she had dismissed it as a clash of personalities, being that the two of them were so similar. It was becoming more apparent as of late that perhaps there was more to the rivalry between them than she had originally thought.  After everything she’d been through with Emma these past few days, she wasn’t sure if she was ready to provide him an answer.  Regardless, Robin had put her on the spot, so she answered him in the best way she knew how.

 

“Emma is a savior, a friend and the mother of my son.  The better question is, what _isn’t_ she?”

 

Regina knew as soon as the words escaped her lips that her answer would do nothing but provoke him further.  Even though she knew what was coming, she stood her ground, several inches higher than Robin, as she was still standing a couple of steps up the stairs, while he was fixed at the base.

 

“ _She_ isn’t the one who shares your bed.” He snapped back at her.

 

Before she knew what she was even doing, Regina felt and heard the crack of her hand against the side of Robin’s face.  It was the first time she had ever struck him, and his utter shock at the action was visible in his eyes as he clutched at the rapidly reddening hand print on his face. 

 

How could she have ever thought this man could be right for her?  Pixie dust...soul mates…who’s to say someone didn’t tamper with it to get back at her for everything she’d done in the past?  Why had she put so much stock into a relationship with a man based on something so… _trivial_? 

 

If her mother had been here she would have torn her apart for believing in such folly and for acting so _naïve_.  As a young girl, distraught over the loss of Daniel, Regina had allowed Rumplestiltskin manipulate her into enacting the dark curse, but after everything she had been through, how could she have so easily walked into another trap?

_Mother would be utterly ashamed if she were here right now._

Regina knew now as clear as day, what she had to do.  Regardless of whatever was happening in her life, _this_ was not what her story would be.  She wouldn’t let herself be tied to _another_ man who wished her to be nothing but a replacement wife and mother to their child.  Yes, Robin had been willing to overlook Regina’s past as the Evil Queen, but he only did so because he was led to believe that she was predestined to be his soul mate.  If he had really known what she did - what she did to his wife Marian - he would never have forgiven her.  He was in love with the idea of Regina, as he really knew nothing of who she really was.

 

Regina took several deep breaths to reign her adrenaline back in. Cocking her head to the side and squaring her jaw, she summoned the Evil Queen for the first and last encounter Robin would ever have with her.

 

“And neither will _you_.  I want you out of my house by the time I wake up _._ Roland will always be welcome here, but _you_ are not.”

 

Regina didn’t wait for a response and immediately made her way up the stairs to her bedroom without another glance back at Robin.  Closing the door behind her, she collapsed against it sliding down to the cold hard floor.  Her heart began to race and she thought she may actually be having a panic attack, by the rapid shallow breaths she was taking and how she was unable to catch her breath.

 

By the time she calmed, tears were dried and caked to her cheeks.  The sun was shining brightly through her bedroom window, straight into her eyes, which was the only indicator to her of how long she had been sitting there curled up on the floor.  She winced from the invasive brightness and shielded her eyes with the back of her hand.  Her backside had grown numb from sitting on the hard wooden floor, so she supposed she should get up and make her way to bed.

 

After washing the makeup and dried tears off of her face with cold water, she changed into her silk pajamas and slid under the bed covers. As she found a comfortable position on her side, she couldn’t help but wonder if anyone would ever share her bed again.  She had likely just tossed away her last chance at a normal relationship by breaking up with Robin.

 

_Don’t be foolish. You don’t need a man to be happy.  You have Henry.  The last thing you want to be is trapped in another loveless marriage caring for a child that isn’t even your own._

 

Regina knew she would eventually find satisfaction solely out of being a parent, but that didn’t change the emptiness she felt in her bed beside her.  As much as she wanted to deny the need for physical closeness to another person, she craved it from time to time.  It’s not as though anyone in Storybrooke would be clamoring for an opportunity to cuddle up in bed with the Evil Queen, so she was just going to have to become accustomed to being alone.

 

Feeling a chill from the absence of another warm body in bed with her, she reached for another blanket and pulled it up over her shoulders.  For a moment she couldn’t help but yearn for someone’s arms to be wrapped around her while she slept.  Briefly she thought of how Emma’s arms would feel in contrast to Robin’s.  She imagined they’d still be strong, but gentler and softer against her.  In her mind they felt less heavy and possessive, offering rather a feeling of comfort and protection that no man has ever been able to provide her. 

 

Regina wondered what it would feel like to be treated as though she were a person rather than an object or a prize to possess.  Men had always paraded her around as such, as if she were something to be marveled at, rather than someone who was deserving of genuine love.  To them she was seen as fulfilling a role and a purpose.  Regina wanted to be more than that again, someone worthy of love and devotion, just as Daniel had seen her to be so long ago.

 

Whenever Emma looked into her eyes, Regina felt as though the blonde was always looking for a way to see more of her.  Emma saw past her harsh exterior, straight into the darkest recesses of her heart.  Despite seeing the worst parts of her, Emma was never deterred from standing by her time and time again, regardless of the odds or the stakes. Emma was the first person in a long time to see her as Regina instead of the Evil Queen, despite everything she had done to the blonde and her family.      

 

Emma Swan had this infuriating purity about her, likely due to her Charming parentage.  Despite Regina’s past transgressions, Emma saw the good in her in a way that no one else in this realm or the next ever could. 

 

_Why hadn’t I seen any of this before? Why hadn’t I taken a second to think about what I truly wanted before jumping at the first man that showed any interest in me?_

Regina was frustrated with herself, as she was left with only more questions than answers.  The only thing she did know for sure was that both she and Henry needed Emma in their lives.  These thoughts and feelings she was having…perhaps they were simply triggered by the trauma of Emma’s suicide attempt and the sudden break-up between her and Robin.

 

_Now isn’t the time to decide the rest of your life, you just broke up with the man you thought you were destined to spend forever with._

Regina just needed to sleep and get some rest.  She hoped more than anything that her altercation with Robin wouldn’t trigger any more of her nightmares of Leopold.  Not wanting to chance it, she grabbed the pill bottle out of the top drawer of her nightstand, swallowing two pills before sinking into bed.  Hopefully everything would make more sense in a few hours.

 

Feeling the haze of the medication washing over her, she fell into a deep dreamless sleep. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, thanks as always for the continued support. Hope you're enjoying Swan Queen week and staying angst-free over the hiatus.
> 
> Thank you for the continued feedback! Enjoy :)

“Mom?”

 

The words sounded distant and echoed as Regina groaned and rolled over, suddenly aware of the weight of another person on her bed.  She blinked a few times and came to focus on Henry, who was perched on the side of her bed, holding a piping hot mug of what smelled like her favorite brew of coffee.   

  
“Henry?” Regina muttered through a sleepy voice.

 

Henry sighed.  “Yeah, Mom…it’s me.  You’ve been sleeping for a while now and I figured you’d want me to wake you.”

 

Regina cleared her throat and pulled herself up into a sitting position, trying her best to shake the haze from her mind.  The pills worked wonders for her nightmares but they left her terribly groggy, especially if she didn’t sleep a full 8 hours after taking them.

 

“What time is it?” Regina inquired, trying to ascertain how long she’d been asleep.  “Aren’t you supposed to be at school?”

 

Regina rubbed at her temple and took the mug that Henry had now held out to her with both hands. 

 

Henry looked at her with soft, sympathetic eyes as she took a sip from the mug.

 

“I was, but it’s around 4PM now.”  Seeing the anxiety form on Regina’s face, he rushed to ease her concern.  “Don’t worry Mom, I took the bus this morning and Grandma took me home.”

 

It took Regina a little longer than she would have liked to remember what happened earlier that day between her and Robin.  Panic began to overtake her as her thoughts began to snowball.

 

_What am I going to do?  How am I going to explain this?  What about Emma?_

“I wasn’t trying to or anything….but I overheard argument with Robin this morning.  Are you okay?”  Henry asked gently, the concern in his voice was evident.

 

Regina sighed and took a few moments to take pride in the fact that her son was quickly maturing into a considerate young man right before her very eyes.  It would never have been easy to explain her feelings about everything to Henry, but at least the more difficult part was already done for her, and thankfully, Henry didn’t look any worse for the wear for it.

 

“I’ll be fine, I just needed to catch up on some sleep.  Things have been _difficult_ these past few days…”

 

Henry had heard what Regina and Robin had said to each other and Regina caught the look he shot to the pill bottle on her nightstand.  As much as she wanted to think that Henry was able to handle all of this, she wasn’t quite sure.  During most of Henry’s childhood, Regina had been careful to conceal any signs of weakness or troubles from her son.  After Pan and Zelena, it had become more difficult to do so.  Henry had seen her at her most vulnerable and it was not something that could be unseen.  Still, barely a teenager, Henry was too young to be caring for his mother.  This was not what she had intended for her son.

 

An uncomfortable silence overtook the room as Regina reached out and took Henry’s hand in hers, the other placed the coffee mug safely down on her nightstand.

 

“Are you upset that I broke up with Robin?”

 

Henry shook his head.

 

“Robin was an okay guy and all…but I only need two parents.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s literally Robin Hood and he taught me how to shoot a bow and arrow, so I can’t hate the guy…but I could tell you weren’t happy.  You deserve to be happy, Mom.”

 

Regina couldn’t help but laugh, to which Henry joined in with her.  She had put such a burden on herself, thinking that everyone’s happiness rode on her relationship with Robin, but clearly couldn’t have been more wrong.

 

“Why didn’t you say anything to me before?”

 

Henry shrugged.

 

“I don’t know...it really wasn’t my place and I figured you’d sort it out all on your own.  Obviously I was right.”

 

Henry shot her his signature crooked mischievous smile, the one that always reminded her of Emma.  He also shared with her that way of knowing more about Regina sometimes that she knew about herself.  Emma always had a knack for that.

 

Emma also always managed to scrunch her face up in the adorable way that Henry was doing right now when she was thinking a bit too hard.

 

“I wanted to ask you something, though.  If you don’t want to answer, that’s okay too.”

 

Regina tensed up slightly as she saw Henry’s hesitance.  Whatever he was about to ask, it certainly wasn’t going to be something she wanted to hear, or to have to answer.

 

“The fight you had with Robin…it wasn’t just about you two. Why were you fighting about Ma?”

 

Maybe the pills had been a bad idea.  She slept entirely too long and was not prepared for this kind of conversation.  Regina had planned to have more time to figure out how she felt and what she wanted before having to explain it to Henry of all people.

 

_Of course he would be curious about Emma.  He heard the entire argument between you and Robin.  He must know what it means but he wants to hear it from you._

Regina reached over to grab her mug and took another generous pull of deliciously brewed coffee, trying to prolong the moment in an attempt to gather her thoughts.  She reminded herself to ask him later where he learned to brew coffee in the first place, but surmised it was most likely from his birth mother.

 

“Henry, things between your mother and I are complicated, they always have been.  Our family by most conservative of assessments is challenging, and it was simply more than Robin was equipped to deal with….and family, family always comes first.”

 

Henry appeared to be satisfied enough with her answer, nodding in response.

 

“Grandma said that Doctor Whale is going to be releasing Ma from the hospital soon.  We’re going to take care of her, right?”

 

This wasn’t something she’d even though about. They had just lost Emma almost twice already – she hadn’t even contemplated what would occur upon the blonde’s release.  Emma certainly couldn’t go back to that dreadful apartment and she’d need assistance around the clock…at least for a while.  Unfortunately, the Charmings had their hands full with Leo, so they wouldn’t be able to care for her adequately.  That didn’t really leave Emma with any other viable option, but Regina wasn’t ready to live with and care for Emma 24/7 when she wasn’t even sure what she was feeling.

 

Regina squeezed Henry’s hand, which still remained grasped within her own.

 

“Henry, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…”

 

Regina hoped that Henry would back down, but of course she knew better.  Once Henry put his mind to something, there was no discouraging him.  His stubborn nature was genetically imprinted upon him at birth.

 

“Why not?!” The volume of Henry’s voice made Regina flinch.  “We have the space here and she _needs_ us.  Where else is she supposed to go?  She’s my mom…she’s _your_ friend.”

 

Regina could see the tears welling up in her son’s eyes, how he was trying to hold back his frustration.  Everything about what he was saying was right.  Here, in their home…was really was the best place for Emma, at least temporarily.  She couldn’t in good conscience send Emma to her parent’s care or out on her own, so there was really no reasonable alternative.

 

What she knew for sure, was that it had to be Emma’s choice.  Regina had made the mistake of trying to pressure Emma before, and it was obviously the wrong approach.  She would offer Emma her assistance, but if Emma refused, she would have to let her be.  Regina didn’t like it, but she knew that if she were in Emma’s position, she’d want to at least be given the choice.

 

“Henry, I can’t decide anything for her.  I can offer her our assistance but ultimately it has to be her decision.  I’ve already learned that trying to coerce your mother into anything will just push her further away.”

 

Henry sighed and dropped his gaze briefly, seemingly contemplating his options.  After a few moments Henry freed his hand from Regina’s and stood up from the bed.

 

“Then I guess we should go talk to her.  I’ll let you get dressed, then we’ll grab dinner from Granny’s and we’ll go see Ma, okay?”

 

The idea of having Emma Swan in her house, under her care…it was absolutely terrifying, but it appeared that it was already decided.  What had to be done was bigger than whatever she was feeling right now.

 

Shaking her head at her son, she sighed briefly, offering him a conciliatory smile. Extricating herself from her bed, she picked up her cup of coffee and made her way over to the bathroom to get dressed.

 

\----

 

After her blissfully morphine-induced nap, Emma woke up in a sudden panic.  This wasn’t new to her of course.  The past few months had been a roller coaster of emotions…she had good days and bad days.  As time passed, there were more bad than good.  Most of the bad days, she ended up at the Rabbit Hole, sleeping on the cot in the empty cell at the station.

 

The _instant_ things began to feel manageable or make any sort of fucking sense… _that_ was the moment her damaged brain always decided to implode. 

 

After Snow had left earlier that day, Emma thought maybe, just maybe she’d be able to get well enough to get out of this tiny depressing hospital room and figure out how to make things work again.  It wasn’t long though before her mind betrayed her and reminded her of all of the reasons why she couldn’t have the life she wanted.  Why she didn’t fucking deserve anything more than this.

 

Life had been cruel to her from the moment she was born.  She supposed that was how destiny worked, though.  After breaking the curse and realizing that she only existed for one purpose, it all just made _that much more sense_.  She was supposed to suffer because she wasn’t meant to really _live_.  She wasn’t supposed to have what others did…she wasn’t meant to be _loved_. 

 

Emma Swan wasn’t a real fucking person, she was a pawn.  She was merely a means to an end…a way for others to find their happiness, but not her own.

 

And Regina…

 

_Fucking Regina..._

She groaned.

 

The most agonizing part of this entire 30 year fucking journey was Regina, Henry and _this place_.  To spend your whole life searching, to finally find a place and people you love…only to find that there isn’t space for you – well it’s the most gut wrenching feeling in the world.  Knowing what you want – what you _need_ – seeing it dangled in front of you every day – well that’s the worst kind of torture.

 

Emma buried her face in her hands and tried to block out the world.  She took a few deep breaths, trying her best to keep from having another panic attack.  Without having access to booze, she didn’t know how to keep her feelings in check.

 

“Ma?”

 

It wasn’t until she heard Henry’s voice that she was able to pull herself from the attack.  Emma dropped her hands from her face and turned towards the doorway, only to see Henry standing there with Regina’s arm over his shoulders.

 

The sight of them instantly calmed her.  A certain type of serenity washed over her, freeing her of the anxiety and the pain she had been struggling with only moments before.  As much as she knew that she couldn’t have the family and the life she wanted, she couldn’t help how she felt in fleeting uncomplicated moments with Regina and Henry.  If she let herself relax and open up, she could look into their eyes and not feel the twisted stabbing pain that usually plagued her when she was around them.  In these brief, wonderful moments she could look into their eyes and feel like she was finally _home_. 

 

“We brought dinner.” Henry said with a bright smile, holding up a paper bag saturated with grease.  It was obvious that Henry had ordered her a burger and fries, her favorite meal from Granny’s.

 

Emma smiled warmly, for the first time in what felt like forever, feeling the slight sting of tears forming in her eyes. 

 

_Maybe there’s still hope for you yet._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the update delay. The unrest within the SQ fandom has made it difficult to write on top of my life getting really busy. No matter what, I plan on concluding my fics. Hope you enjoy, and thank you for your patience!

Dinner was as pleasant as she could have hoped it would be, given the circumstances.  Emma made eager work of her burger and fries while Henry filled her in on everything from his school work to town gossip and even video games. 

 

Gaming was an activity that Henry and Emma had bonded over during their year in New York.  Emma was a casual gamer in her time, but orphans don’t really have the kind of money necessary to keep up with the latest game systems. 

 

Regina had set them up with a financially secure life in New York, and thankfully, she and Henry had really wanted for nothing.  Emma tried countless times to find the right moment to properly thank Regina.  No matter how hard she tried, the moment just never came, as she could never really find words adequate enough to express what it all meant to her.  Regina gave Emma the gift of love, a life and a family – something that she had always dreamed of – and she gave it to Emma and Henry without a thought to herself.  How do you thank someone for such a genuinely selfless act?  While Emma and Henry were sitting on their couch, liberating Westmarch from the clutches Malthael, Regina was off in the Enchanted Forest fighting Zelena to ensure that they would remain safe.  A simple thank you never seemed like it would ever be good enough for what Regina sacrificed for them.

 

Emma scanned Regina’s face as she stuffed the last couple of fries in her mouth and closed the styrofoam container.  Regina had remained mostly silent during their dinner, letting Henry speak and picking wordlessly at her Cobb salad.  It was unlike her not to participate in a conversation involving Henry, and it was clear to Emma that something was on her mind.  Emma couldn’t deal with her own problems properly right now, let alone someone else’s, but she hated seeing Regina with anything other than a smile on her face.

 

Emma’s thoughts were interrupted by the nurse knocking lightly in the doorway, pushing a vacant wheelchair into the room.

 

“I don’t mean to interrupt you, Mayor Mills, but Doctor Whale wants Emma out of bed for at least 20 minutes today.”

 

Regina dabbed her mouth with a napkin and closed the to-go box containing her salad before turning to the nurse.

 

“If it’s all the same to you, I’d prefer it if we take Miss Swan for her excursion around the hospital.”

 

The nurse looked a bit surprised by the request, but darted her glance over to Henry and consented out of what must have been sympathy for their situation.

  
“I’ll just need to get her transferred from the bed to the chair if you’ll just give us a few minutes.”

 

Regina inclined her head at the nurse and held her arm outstretched towards her son. “Thank you. Come Henry, let’s give your mother a few minutes of privacy, shall we?”

 

Henry smiled and nodded, helping Regina gather the remnants of their meal while being ushered out into the hall to wait.

 

After the two disappeared into the hallway, Emma started to break out into a cold sweat.

 

_I knew something was wrong. Regina wouldn’t want to spend 20 minutes pushing your sorry ass around a hospital unless she had some bomb to drop on you._

 

“Are you feeling alright, Emma?  Your heart rate is up, are you in pain?  Maybe now isn’t the best time for –“

 

“  - I’m  _fine_.” Emma snapped, causing the nurse to recoil.  She took a deep breath to regain control. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just going a little stir-crazy on this glorified cot you guys pass off as a bed, and I’m eager to get moving around again...”

 

The nurse gave her an understanding smile and a small tentative nod, while continuing her work to transfer her IV over to the wheelchair.

 

\----

 

Henry and Regina were seated in the hallway, waiting for Emma to get situated in her wheelchair.  They both had discussed Emma moving in with them for the time being, so Henry understood what Regina was angling at.

 

“You know you mother is emotionally driven, so it’s best that I do this alone.” Regina explained.

 

Henry nodded. “I get it, Mom.  You do what you have to in order to get Ma to come home.  I just hope she listens.  She needs us.”

  
Regina squeezed Henry’s hand.

 

“I know, Henry.  As much as she may be opposed to it, staying with us is her best option. She’ll see reason.”

 

Henry shrugged and sighed.

 

“I hope so.”

 

The doors to Emma’s room whooshed open revealing a pale but rather spry looking Emma accompanied by her nurse.

 

“So who’s going to be my co-pilot?” Emma asked, hoping desperately that Henry would be a part of their excursion. Regina wouldn’t say anything in front of Henry that would upset him.

 

Regina rose from her chair and smoothed out the front of her pants. 

 

“You’ll have to settle for an ex-Evil Queen, if that’s alright with you.”

 

Emma swallowed a giant lump in her throat.

 

“Anything to get me out of this room.” She responded as neutrally as possible trying her best to mask her anxiety.

 

Regina forced a smile and turned back to where Henry was seated.

 

“We won’t be long Henry, you’ll be fine here for a bit?”

 

Henry held up the latest issue of Batman’s New 52 and responded with a genuine smile.

 

“I’m all set Moms, see you in a bit.”

 

The nurse took her cue to leave and exited down the hall, leaving Regina to take up the ‘reigns’ of Emma’s wheelchair.  Regina began pushing Emma down the hallway, but several minutes passed before either of them spoke.  It became apparent that neither of them seemed to want to be the first to break the awkward silence between them.

 

After the two of them made it outside to the courtyard, Emma took in a long cool draw of fresh fall air. It had been a while since Emma smelled anything other than the hospital’s industrial disinfectant.  She was looking forward to getting out of this hellhole of a prison and back out into the real world.  Emma had had just about enough of being poked and prodded at and looked at like she was a nut case.  She wasn’t sure yet what she was going to actually do once she left this place, but _anywhere_ was better than here.

 

Regina pushed them over to a wooden bench that overlooked the trees and flowers in the courtyard.  She parked Emma next to the bench and then sat down and crossed her legs.  Her gaze seemed fixed on some distant object, almost as if she was intentionally avoiding looking at Emma, which only made Emma more anxious about what Regina had to say to her.

 

“I spoke with Doctor Whale and he says they’re likely to discharge you tomorrow.”

 

Emma let out a puff of air and shifted slightly in the wheelchair, wondering what exactly Regina was getting at.

 

“Uh, yeah, he told me earlier today.”

  

“You don’t sound as relieved as I though you would.” Regina said, finally turning to look at Emma.

 

_Is she trying to make small-talk with me? Regina Mills does not make small-talk…_

 

Emma shrugged. “I am.  I’m happy to get out of that damn bed of course, but the rest of it all, not so much...”

 

She hated being alone with Regina like this. When Regina looked at her it felt like she could see through the wall Emma was trying to put up between them.  She was afraid that Regina would ask a question that Emma didn’t have the right answer for.  The last thing she needed was to spill her guts about how she felt.  It was bad enough that she tore everyone’s lives apart by this whole debacle.  Now was not the time to create another problem.

 

“You don’t have to have everything sorted out right this moment, you know.  I’ll make sure that your job as Sheriff will be waiting for you, however long it takes you to heal…”

 

Emma knew that Regina could sense her discomfort but there was no way that she wanted to broach her true feelings about the subject. Her job was the least of her worries, but it’s not like she could say, “I love you so much I can barely look at you, especially when you’re with him.”  Instead, she figured it best to volley the ball over to Regina’s side of the court.

 

“Thanks…” Emma let a few moments hang in the air and then continued. “So...I know you could have let that nurse push me around, but instead, you went out of your way.  I know when something is on your mind Regina, so why don’t you let me know why we’re out here appreciating the garden in the middle of autumn?”

 

Regina seemed to be surprised by how direct Emma’s question was and responded defensively. “Perhaps I just wanted to ensure that the mother of my son is properly cared for?”

 

Emma chuckled, stifling a cough. “Come on, Regina.  You don’t think I can’t recognize when you’re bullshitting me by now?  I know you think I’m an idiot, but give me some credit…I’m not my parents…”

 

“Fine.”  Regina shifted on the bench to face Emma more directly.

 

“Henry and I have discussed it and we both agree that it would be best if you stay with us while you recover.  You can decline, but I know that staying with your parents isn’t really a viable option…”

  

_Un-fucking believable.  I should have known they were up to something when Henry wasn't putting up a fight to co-pilot this damn chair._

 

Emma closed her eyes and squeezed the arm of her wheelchair until her knuckles went white. She let out a long breath and looked back at Regina, probably revealing the anger brewing inside of her. “As much as I don’t like how you and  _our_ son are trying to make my decisions for me, I can’t possibly stay with you.”

 

Regina recoiled a bit but appeared to be more offended than anything.

 

“And why not?  Is the prospect of having a quiet room to yourself and spending more time with your son so abhorrent of a suggestion?”

  
Emma rolled her eyes. 

 

“Of course not.  You know I love spending time with Henry.”

 

“Then what is it?” Regina snapped.

 

Emma sighed, her anger waning.

 

_She just wants to help you, stop being such an idiot. There are a million reasons why this is not a good idea, just pick the one where you don’t tell her you’re in love with her._

“Look at me.” Emma gestured to her battered, bruised and casted body. “I’m going to require a lot more care than you have the time or patience for.  You have a full house and a busy life with Robin and I’d just get in the way…”

 

Emma dropped eye contact with Regina and fixed her gaze on some cracks in pavement, trying to pretend that she did not just mention Robin…

 

Regina sighed and knelt down in front of Emma, forcing her to meet her eyes.

 

“I know we’ve drifted apart over these past few months, but that doesn’t mean that anything has changed between us.  You’d do the same for me if I were in that chair….Say yes, Emma.”

 

Whatever Regina wanted or what her motives were, Emma knew it would _never_ be a good idea for the two of them to live under the same roof…not if she wanted to keep her feelings in check.

 

“Does Robin approve of you taking in a stray?” Emma joked, offering up a smirk to mask her true concerns.

  

Regina stood up and took several steps away from Emma, before taking a deep breath and turning back around to respond.

 

“Robin and I broke up…so I have plenty of room to accommodate you.”

 

Regardless of her feelings about their relationship, Emma was shocked to hear that they had broken up. 

  

“What?  Why?  Wasn’t he supposed to be your soulmate or something?  You can’t just dump your soulmate, can you?”

 

Regina hesitated for a moment, picking at the imaginary lint balls on the sleeve of her blazer before taking another step back towards Emma. 

 

“Well soulmate or not, I wasn’t happy, so I did.”  Regina said dejectedly, kneading her hands together.

 

Emma could see that Regina was still very much upset about the break up and wanted more than anything to make her feel better.

 

_Say something.  Anything.  What would you want to hear?_

 

“Destiny and fate have pretty much fucked us both over more times than we can count.  I don’t think anyone would fault you for wanting to finally have a choice.”

 

Emma smiled tentatively at Regina, who to her surprise returned the gesture.  After an awkward few moments of silence, Regina cleared her throat.

 

“So you’ll be staying with us then?”

 

Emma sighed.  As much as she knew this was not by any means a great idea, what other options did she really have?  She couldn’t exactly ditch town until she could walk on her own.  At least this would buy her some time to figure out how she would handle everything.  With Robin gone, it was tempting to stay, but the reality of it all was that _everyone_ forgot about her.  She wasn’t important enough or needed enough for anyone to even notice that she spent most of her nights getting obliterated.  They only cared _now_ because she crashed her bug straight into a tree.  Once she got on her feet again, they’d all go back to their lives and leave her in the dust.

 

“Yeah…but only because Henry wants it.”

 

Regina looked down at her wristwatch to check the time. “Alright then, I suppose we can discuss the details later, I think it’s about time we head back.” Regina walked around the chair and began pushing Emma out of the courtyard back towards her room.

 

“If we’re away much longer they may assume you’ve escaped once again…” Regina said with an air of humor, in an obvious effort to lighten the mood.

 

“Or that the Evil Queen took the Savior as her prisoner.” Emma added, thankful that the uncomfortable part of their conversation was now over.

 

When they arrived back at the room, Emma smiled meekly as the nurse walked over to transfer her over from the wheelchair back to her bed.

 

“Thanks for coming, Regina.  I know it must have pained you to buy me a burger and fries.”

 

“Don't get too accustomed to it, Sheriff.” Regina replied, with a warm smile.  "Henry and I will be back again tomorrow to take you home."

 

Emma nodded and Regina re-entered the hall, leaving the nurse to tend to Emma.  She draped an arm over Henry’s shoulder and led him out of the hospital.

 

“You think she’ll be okay, Mom?”

 

Regina squeezed his shoulder gently.

 

“After everything all of us have been through together, I know things will get better, she just needs some time.  Your mother is one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”

 

After inhaling a rush of cool fall air, Henry turned to his mother.

 

“It doesn't matter what she did, I know she loves us...”

 

Regina felt a shot of adrenaline surge through her at his use of the word 'us' but quickly dismissed the idea that Henry meant anything by it.   

 

“Let’s go home and get some sleep, okay?  We’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.”


End file.
